Up to now, most of my energy has been focused on developing theoretical knowledge. Now I’m looking at finding more practical ways that people can live more enjoyably with less hassle.
I’ve been doing a lot of study into stress recently. I have searched high and low and I haven’t found any source that adequately explains what stress is or how to effectively deal with it. Almost everything I have come across has been the same old rubbish, regurgitated from 50 odd years ago.
Yet it is probably the easiest personal problem to solve. I’m going to be working with some groups to share my ideas and solutions to reduce stress and I thought of you. I hate waste and it’d be a waste to have ideas that could help you and neglect to share them. So I wondered if stress is something that affects and bothers you.
If it is, please could you reply by adding a comment and share how stress affects you and what you believe would most help you to live without getting stressed. Not something like my boss dropping dead or winning the lottery, but more like having someone to talk to or knowing how to communicate more clearly.
If there is enough interest, I have some information and a big idea that I believe will help, but there have to be enough people involved for it to work.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Here’s the philosophy i’ve adopted
1) stress affects everybody
2) stress comes from not meeting expectations
3) to deal with stress:
a) for problems not in your control, change expectations, i.e. your beliefs or
b) for problems in your control, meet expectations
4) to meet expectations, determine sticking point and solve
5) there are 4 universal types of sticking points in problem solving
a) problem is not clear
b) solution/plan to solve the problem is not developed/feasible
c) skills, resources, support to solve the problem are lacking
d) motivation (strong reasons tied to personal emotions) to implement the plan is lacking
my 2 cents
doug
Hi Rob,
Yes, Stress indeed is something that affects and bothers me and is my everyday struggle. I highly apreciate you for sharing your information with us and having your ideas and thoughts surely helps a lot of your readers and I’m one of them. Thank you so much.
Looking forward to reading your marvelous ideas again regarding handling stress of our everyday existence
Yes, stress definitely affects me also. I think, being a working mother, I try to do too many things at once and try to be perfect at everything. Trying to keep the house perfectly clean with two young children is not easy, trying to give 100% at work, trying to spend enough time with the kids. Feeling guilty because I cant give 100% at work due to having the kids with doctors appointments and sick days. Feeling guilty because I have to work and am not spending enough time with the kids. Trying to give the children good home cooked meals cooked from scratch, feeling guilty because I am spending time cooking meals from scratch when I could be playing with the children. I sometimes wish I would just give myself a break and not make myself feel guilty about absolutely everything.
Yes, I think I am a bit stressed
Hi Rob
I’d be interested to see what you have to have to say on stress
I do a lot of work on related stress issues and can add this to the pot for consideration
I rarely, if ever get stressed, as I take very good care of myself on a daily basis, otherwise I wouldnt be able to do my work
Most of of the stress we suffer is generated by
1.Our inability to say “NO”
2.Our unrealistic expectations of others and ourselves.
3.Our unrealistic demands on ourselves.
4.Our irrational belief that we should never make mistakes.
5.Believing that we are indispensable.
We should probably take some time to define stress. Anything that upsets the homeostasis of daily life might be termed a stressor. But some of these things that we call stressors can actually drive us to better ourselves. As a simple example, let’s say I burn my hand on the stove. There is an immediate stress (which I might well deem to be negative at that moment), but as a result, I learn to change my behavior around a hot stove. I have grown as a result. There are two points I am making here. First of all, it is probably naive to assume that any particular stress is bad or good. Secondly, a shift of perspective can help you create a positive experience out of one you might have interpreted as a negative experience. That doesn’t mean that it is easy to gain such perspective, but it is likely a worthy goal. It tends to be particularly difficult to try to shift perspective at the very moment during which you are experiencing the stress.
As I understand it, there is a Buddhist philosophy that states, essentially, that much of our pain arises from attachment; and our attachment arises from desire. Certainly, I hear a lot about stress rising from unmet expectations, and I hear advice about changing one’s expectations. I think the ideas are related. If we change our expectations, we are changing our desires. But again we face the problem of how to do this.
So the big questions for me are, How do we shift our perspectives? How do we release our desires?
I have become immune to stress, but still suffer from pain.
It’s hard to explain, stress is present from the waking moment of the day til the moment I drift into my dreams, so basically 24/7. I know what I must do to change, but the leap of faith doesn’t look convincing enough for me to take that risk, but without risk I will never learn or even more important, heal. I understand this, but yet I still live this thing called life, at times i dont, but I know that I will, but will not solve my problem. I am weak, supportless, and have become dependent to no results. I feel neutral, but it hurts, but i dont stress, maybe ive just,,,finally snapped…lost my mind…lost the logic…depleted my soul, so i just roam and get deeper into the maze i chose..no one can find me, no one can come to where i am in my maze, i am, traped, but it was my choice, i had the chance to change, but i said no, i am weak willed, weak spirited, weak hearted, and most of all, weak-minded…so i continue…to live to the minimum….
Hi Rob,
Since setting on a pathway to really understand and love myself, the world and others better I have found that I am much less stressed. You and others have been a great help to me in this process and I have a way to go yet and am enjoying the process. I think this is what has helped me most i.e. finding others and seeing/hearing/talking to them and listening to them and reading their information and thus believing over time that it is really possible to be happy – mainly by their example. Stress is a big contributor to unhappiness generally and I identify with Dougs words although I think when you are in the middle of it the solution is not easy to rationalise without help. I feel strongly we could learn ways to deal with stress much better as we learn to boil and egg – for many years I just didnt even think dealing with emotional ‘stuff’ effectively was possible – I just thought it was something you had to live with – I know now this is not the case and want to be better at it.
Hi, Rob.
What I would have said has been better phrased by Doug and Steve.
I’ve found that, in my life, a touch of stress is not necessarily bad, as it helps keep me busy doing things I would otherwise leave to others.
I have found that identifying the stressors and root causes often removes or dulls the stress well.
I’d still be interested in your big idea and information, though.
I’m still interested in
thanks steve
Stress is always there depending on the circumstances
Hi Rob,
I hit a stress high once that sent my nervous system into overdrive. This made me retract from my friends and society somewhat. Since reading your work I have consciously made the decision to face the fear and get on with living a full life. I have a new job and I’m returning to college next year. I like the idea of the higher self and the egoic mind. I have a mantra for myself that i use when my mind wanders and i start to think about issues that I know will lead to stress. I define this as my ego talking and i say “NO GO!” in my head while quickly trying to move on to another task. It works..sometimes haha!
I like to think that every stress free day is a stepping stone passed on the long road to recovery (retraining the old head!). Although my everyday stresses are diminishing somewhat..there are times when I am driving, sitting at my desk or doing chores for my girlfriend that my heart begins to race and i become very agitated. I get angry with myself for feeling like this. I put it down to a lack of concentration..but i believe that i lose concentration due to this feeling of agitation that sometimes can come out of nowhere..perhaps I am subconsciously worrying about the future and naval gazing a bit too much..
I breath through the nose slowly and deeply, until it subsides. I have good and bad days..
iI look forward to what you have to say Rob
Stress. Hmmm. Stressed. A good friend once told me “stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts”.
What really helps me is to keep a journal. I don’t write negative things in it. Only positive thoughts, and what I have learned after looking back on a situation. I have found that, yes, 100 percent (incredible, but true!) of the experiences I have logged I have been able to see growth in me, and others. I particularly liked the comment from Tom when he talked about a shift in perspective. He’s right….at the time, we sure don’t see how ANY good can come from what has happened….but I am able to shift it when I write the positive down, and see what good I have been able to glean from it! It also lifts me when I am feeling down. Sean…there is good in alot of things, and good in YOU! But doing nothing will take you away from being happy. I believe riding bikes and happiness are learned skills. No one can give it to us, however, we CAN learn by helping each other, and watching and caring for each other!
That’s my two bits.
I have a great time reading all the posts, while i admit that i, just like the many continue to struggle in handling stresses of everyday life. I have simple rules about dealing with them .. I accept wholeheartedly whatever the sitaution maybe, tho it could really be painful most of the times and you feel like everything go haywire.. I always tell myself, you need to face it , you can;t run from it, unless you face it .. you won’t be able to fully resolve any issues/stress/ conflicts you have.. so i bravely face any scenario.. no matter how painful.. yes.. I always beleive I’m the driver of my own life.. I can’t just look on outward things , solutions must come first from me, the willingness to face risk.
Like everybody else, deep inside me , no matter hos painful the experience is at that time I’m facing any struggle .. I always beleive that the end part of it will also be for me.. I could learn a thing or two from it and this has been a known fact I had established.
sometimes some stress or issues are like so hard to bear but once you faced it boldly and think of solutions in addressing it, everything follows naturally and one of them is the healing .. and that’s what makes the journey worthwhile …
Hi, Rob, stress has been part of my daily life. The most stressful situation happens at work where I care so much about how other people think about me. I work much less efficiently if I am under others’ attention. And I desperately seek approval from others. As a result of stress, I work less hours to avoid stress. I have horrible nightmares almost every night and I have no clue how to deal with it. To conclude, my stress comes from self conscious and I have no solution to it yet.
Hi, Rob, what is the difference between stress and frustration? i think i am highly stressed and it realy affects me because it borders on depression. Right now i can pin point two things that really stress me out: my unfulfilling job and my relationship thats almost in shambles. i think im most fearful of not having the outcomes that i want and how to deal with that.
I’m not sure I have anything of value to contribute. However I am a single mom of five, and maintain two jobs. I understand stress, depression, and frustration. Each day brings different challenges and most of the time, it’s best to take one day (or one hour) at a time. I believe most stress is self-induced (it isn’t what happens to us, it’s how we react to it) – which is easy to state…. Sometimes it helps to simply say, ‘what’s the worst thing that could happen?’ Or… ‘my job stinks, but at least i have one..’ Or… hey, the sun is shining!…..Or, ‘i hate laundry…at least i have laundry to do!’ The greatest things in life are free….
One more thing – just read Rob’s comment re…”…the same old rubbish, regurgitated from 50 odd years ago.” – this is funny because I’ve been trying for years to be happier, and some of the books I’ve read are “The Power of Positive Thinking” – Norman Vincent Peale, and “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living” – Dale Carnegie. These books were written years ago yet many of the messages can still apply to our daily living (though even reading them stressed me out). I think releasing stress in healthy ways is different for each individual. If we don’t have time for exercise, meditation, journaling, group therapy, the least we can do is shut our eyes and breathe deeply (go to a happy place, so to speak). I think all of the individuals above have made some very insightful comments, this is great. Should we worry about Sean?
I feel that stress affects almost all of us all through our life… it is not the stress itself that is so badly affecting our life, but our patterns of reaction to stress… one has to expect some frustration, failures and sorrows… resistance to WHAT-IS-SO can stress us up and block our energy… understanding what-is-so and its nature and message for us will help us let go of the blocked up energy… there is no specific way to follow to relieve ourselves of the stress we face/create in our lives… at times we can ask something like – ‘Is this the best available from me for myself at this given moment?’
This requires true commitment to self and awareness of inner process within and honesty at all times to question those dark energies as they pop up inside us, and courage to face that with truth and release it unto the light… observe ones own emotional reaction which is set-up pattern by oneself, when observed with non-judgment dissolves itself… darkness is merely lesser light and releasing it unto light is just what it is seeking through us… know that darkness is within us all, giving us opportunities to act upon our truth… acknowledging this will help us to look at it with compassion and love for our selves…
Yes Kirsten we should worry about Sean, but like everyone who is searching, the only way out of the woods is to “walk” toward the distant sound of light. Insights help a great deal and this site is a good place to find them, but “All insight and no action make Jack a very dull boy”, to play on a line from Jack Nicholson’s movie “The Shining”. It’s the lack of action that keeps one mired in mud. Sean knows that.
So I think the best way to help Sean in a forum such as this, is just to keep posting insights and reveal how ‘acting’ on them have worked. When something clicks it can be what “moves” a person who decides it’s useful. But insights without action are never life changing. That just makes you someone who knows a lot of insights. On the other hand, just plain action even without insight, is often like a big dose of self love.
So Sean if you’re reading this, hang in my man. There’s a lot of us who feel your pain and it’s probably been rough, But get up today and start something. Start anything. Call up and find out where you can help with food prep at the local Soup Kitchen or Shelter tomorrow morning early. Offer to come back and cut the grass for the owner of the first unkempt yard you pass on the way there. Then sit with the loneliest soul you encounter there and tell them you know how they feel and you’d like to hear about it. Then go home and know that you gave the world something incredible today. Then do it again until it leads you to something more fulfilling and one thin will lead you to another. Maybe one day you’ll be the one person able to help the next Sean because you walked the walk. And then Sean you’ll know why you were put on the earth. And you can do all of that without one more insight. C’mon Sean. There’s some people waiting on you. They need YOUR help.
Brian
Sorry for the mistype. I wrote Sean’s name as sender on the last post that was from me. Lost in thought as I started my reply to Kristen. Please disregard my mistake.
Hi Rob
I’d be interested to see what you have to have to say on stress as i am affected by stress right now..i broke up with my biyfriend who i loved so much.the problem is that he was always drunk..i tried to talk to him several times but the situation went worse untill i decide to live him.after breaking up with him i am now having the difficulties of coping with the situation.we are stay together in the hostekls..so everytime i see him with other girls i become jealousy..and yhis is really affecting even my education at school pls help.
Late comment I know – catching up on emails!
I liked Doug’s summary. It is very logical.
My only concern with it is that how do we ‘know’ when something is under our control? Many of us find ourselves in situations that appear outside our control, unescapable (because we did not apply Doug’s formula!) and then apparently against all odds we win through!
Haven’t we all done things that when we started out we had no idea how we were going to succed – infact we have actively thought we would fail – and yet find a way through. Isnt this an inherent part of the human condition – the need to be creative, to champiuon lost causes, to dive into the river to save a drowning child when we have no idea how we are going to do so?
The idea that we are capable of identifying what is and what is not in our power worries me – as it seems to me to be part of our nature to try…!
Better late than never Roland
I think Doug’s done a great job of giving the 50,000 feet overview. But as you break it down into more precise elements, you have to refine it.
The traditional view of stress says a little is good for you. Psychologists call it Eustress. Basically what it is, is enough stimulation that activates the adrenalin ‘fight or flight’ response, but not prolonged enough to start releasing Cortisol, which is where it starts to damage the body.
I look on this as the ‘flow state’ that Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi talks about. The state of being ‘in the zone’. This involves being challenged and stretched, which can seem like being stressed, but the difference is that the focus is not on fear of harm, but on reaching something beyond yourself. Saving a child, championing the underdog etc versus ‘what might happen to me.’
It’s the difference in focus, between the Ego and the Higher Self I talked about in the Happiness 2.0 report.
If your focus is on something bigger than you, you are drawn towards the thrill of expanding yourself. If your focus is on yourself, you become fearful and stressed.
Kirsten,
You show great warmth and empathy to be concerned with Sean. I think we are all concerned, but as Brian says, our best focus is on shining a light on the path to a happier easier life.
I’ve been around many people in desperate situations and the thing I have learned is that there is always a route out when they are ready.
Yet there is a terror of change to someone already shell shocked by life. And so often they will linger a while before making that leap of faith.
Sean,
Thank you for sharing your story. You have articulated your experience very powerfully and clearly. Your story highlights something many people miss.
By ourselves we can do nothing, except trap ourselves in a prison of our own thoughts. Yet when we join forces with Life we can do anything. It’s all about finding that connection. And to find that connection we have to take the leap into the unknown, beyond our fears and sense of limitations.
It’s true that none of us can reach down and pick you up. But we’re all here for you, waiting for you to take that leap and share the story.
Hi Rob,
Yes, I have had my share of stress. I appreciate your emails and helpful tips. I've had so much stress in the last couple years of my life that I had to seek counseling which has helped a little bit.