I have read many books offering ways to happiness. These can be categorized in three main ways.

appiness By Description: The first of the ways to happiness

The first way is what I call the Mystic or Poetic group. These are personal accounts of people who have reached a state of blissful happiness. They then try to explain what they have experienced… and how they have reached that stage.

This leads to a poetic or mystical description that seems to its readers to be impossible or unrealistic to reach.

The problem is that the gap between the reader and the author is so great that they cannot relate to one another’s experience.

The Author tries to describe how he or she reached this state. Their way to happiness. However what worked for the Author, is not what will necessarily work for the Reader.

Happiness By Prescription:

The second of the ways to happiness

The second of the ways to happiness is what I call the theory or formula route.

In this way someone or some group has a theory or formula that they believe leads to happiness for each of us.

Every religion or philosophy is based on a theory or formula, of the best or only way to happiness. It may be happiness in another life or world… but none the less it is happiness.

All of these believe that there are certain rules or behaviors that must be observed and kept before you can be happy.

The major flaw with this, is that the theory or formula can be believed so deeply, that believers try to thrust their own beliefs onto others. The most destructive acts in our history have come about because of this theory or formula approach. Nazi Germany’s attempt to impose an Aryan race was their formula for happiness.

Many tribes, such as Native Americans and Aboriginals, have found their way of life taken away from them. All in the name of technological progress or civilization. Which is the invader’s name for their formula to happiness.

Happiness by Observation:

The third of the ways to happiness

The third of the ways to happiness is to study happy people and look for what is different from unhappy people. Then they say this is what makes people happy.

This tends to be a lot by academics and other observers or researchers.

The problem with this is that the personality traits and behaviors displayed by happy people, may be the result of happiness… not what has caused it. The fact of being happy may lead to that personality trait or behavior.

We can also see this approach used in business. When a business, or an individual, is successful, they are analyzed and observed for clues to their success. Then hundreds of writers spew out articles, reports and books advocating some new fad.

However what works for one business, worked because it fitted in with;

- their strategy,

- their employees,

- their marketplace

and all the other elements.

Along come thousands of other businesses in entirely different situations copying someone else’s tactics and then getting frustrated when they do not get the same results.

There are no ways to happiness… And yet every route can be a path to happiness. Happiness is a choice in every instant.

If you follow any of anyone else’s ways to happiness, you will always be settling for less happiness than you could experience.

Happiness is a unique experience that must be reached in a unique way. This doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from the experience of others. However when a choice has to be made between your path, your choice and that of another, always choose your way.

The secrets of happiness all lie in your Operating System. 

The trouble is that we get blinded by our Operating System.

This is because our Operating System attempts to fit what’s happening around us into our Operating System’s expectations.

This is really important to understand.

The purpose of the Human Operating System is to show you as much as possible what matches your Operating System. Anything different is resisted as much as it can be.

It takes all the information around you and;

  * Deletes what it thinks is unimportant to you.

  * Generalizes other bits into categories, so it can treat them the same.

  * Distorts some of it to match up to what you were expecting.

  * Gives you an overview report of what it thinks you are most interested in.

So your Operating System is always going to be riddled with flaws and errors. It’s in it’s nature. This is where all progress and evolution comes from. Every flaw and bug you discover and fix in the Operating System is another leap forward in the quality of your life.

The evolution of society comes from the fact that each generation rebels against the previous one. And so each generation discovers a flaw and causes an upgrade in our cultural Operating System.

The established order in every field and every area of life will find itself challenged. And over time flaw after flaw will be discovered about what we previously believed to be fact. This is how life progresses and advances.

For example, we upgraded our Operating System when we discovered that the world wasn’t flat… when we realized that sanitation reduced disease… and when cars were made available to the masses.

Now every day across the world there are hundreds of instances where people are making new discoveries and overturning old beliefs. This is the process of life. Living on the edge and pushing the boundaries and so ever expanding.

If you want some thing, whether it’s a feeling, a relationship or a tangible thing, that you don’t have… it’s your Operating System that is blocking it off to you.

This means you have to identify the flaw in your Operating System that is blocking you from having what you want. Then you transform the structure of your Operating System to let it in.

Opportunities are around you all the time. There is never a boat that you must catch. There is another boarding all the time. It is only the fact that you aren’t seeing the opportunities that stops you from getting what you want.

Why don’t you see the opportunities?

Well the whole purpose of your Operating System is to disregard everything that happens that doesn’t seem to be relevant to you. And so you may disregard lots of these opportunities because the form they come in doesn’t seem obviously relevant to you. This is why the secrets of happiness remain…

secrets.

Upgrading your Operating System is training it to show you the opportunities all around you. And then life becomes like picking fruit from a tree.

Seeking happiness is not a luxury or a privilege. It is your attempt to give to the world.

It is not self-indulgent or selfish. It is the noblest choice you can make.

However it is a mistake.

Here’s why.

The very phrase, the pursuit of happiness is based on a misunderstanding of happiness.

Happiness is not a thing that can be pursued, chased or won. It can only be chosen.

And it can only be chosen by the individual who would experience it. There is nothing you can do, buy or say that will give lasting happiness to another.

The best that you can do is demonstrate happiness through your own life. This shows others that genuine happiness can be chosen. And in their own time they may choose it also.

The pursuit of happiness is based on an assumption that there is an ideal that we need to match up to before being happy.

Because of this faulty assumption, many people chase after things and experiences they believe will make them happier.

Yet in truth there are no entry requirements to be happy. You do not need;

   any educational requirements,

    any status or income levels,

anything other than the pure intention and choice to be happy. 

This is why all the world engages in the pursuit of happiness, yet few achieve more than fleeting glances at it.

All the things that we want, whether it is a great fortune or saintliness. Are all motivated, at their source by one thing…

The desire for happiness.

Even those who shun happiness, such as ascetics, do so in the pursuit of happiness. Just a different definition of happiness… and a different time scale.

There are many books, seminars and courses sold on how to influence others. Some work and some don’t.

However my view is why would you want to influence another?

People generally answer that question with ‘Well if my wife did this’ or ‘If my husband did that..’ ‘If my boss would just..’ ‘If my customers..’ Life would be so much better for everyone.

And that statement is completely true. If everyone just did what you wanted them to the world would be a better place, from your perception.

Generally people kick and fight against the things that they dislike. Yet we should be grateful to those things we stand against. For if they didn’t exist neither would a part of us.

Without war and discord we could not choose peace. Without cruelty, without neglect, without need there would be no cause for the Charity worker, for the Campaigner. Life is continually changing. The imperfections that you see in the world are your opportunities to express Who You Are by creating change.

Let’s make this a little clearer with an example.

Let’s take the recent war in Iraq. Many, many people stood for peace at that time. And whilst making their stand they considered how desirable peace would be. They looked at war and the costs and possibilities of war and said this is not what I stand for. They looked at the possibility for peace and said I stand for peace.

Now in that decision there is great potential.

The potential is not in their ability to stop the war. To fight against those who stand for war is to say I do not stand for peace. I stand for fighting for my way.

A war boils down to two people each fighting for their own way. Each believes his or her way to be more right than the others. Say an Animal right Activist bombs a Researcher on animals. This is war. If a peace protester insists on attacking verbally someone who stands for war, the peace protester is waging war and not expressing peace.

This does not mean that you cannot protest. The essence of peace is in accepting differences. There will always be others who disagree with you. Without differences and the friction they create there would be no evolution. We would live as clones in a boring and vacuous world.

The important point is to accept they have a different view and understand their view is no more right or wrong than yours. Both are just a personal choice to express and demonstrate what you stand for.

The potential in deciding to stand for peace is in examining the individual’s own life. Examining all the arguments the individual has at work, in their home, with their neighbours and friends. Having made a decision to stand for peace they have the opportunity to become the living embodiment of peace. They can live their live as a demonstration of how to live in peace.

When you stand for something so strongly that it influences every thought, word and action is when you create change in others. There are no words that will truly convince someone with a different view. It is only when a person chooses for themselves a new view that change is possible. Words can stimulate thought, which may lead to a new choice, but that is all.

What is most effective in stimulating change is your example. If your view really is more compelling and more effective for the other person arguing will not make them adopt it.

Instead arguing will cause the other to dig in more deeply to their view. However if you allowed them their view without causing them to become any more entrenched they become less stuck to it. They will observe the way you act and talk. They will pick up on all your nonverbal communication.

And if your view creates more happiness in you. If you seem more at peace and more content. They will want those same things. Now instead of looking for the negative in you as they will when you are arguing they will begin to look for what causes your peace. They will study you closely to find out what you have that they do not.

Gradually they will soften to your position and begin trying on your beliefs to see how they feel for them. If yours indeed is more compelling for them they will adopt it for themselves.

This is how real and lasting change happens.

Jesus, Buddha, Mohammad, Lao Tsu and Confucius influenced billions of lives not because of what they said, but because others were drawn to them to find out what caused them such peace.

There have been many Philosophers, Politicians and Statesmen who could speak most persuasively, most intelligently, most articulately and most forcefully. However they could not get others to adopt their ideas because they did not embody and demonstrate their message.

Why do some people die happy, while others look back and see nothing but misery, bitterness and hardship?

George Vaillant, a Harvard Professor was interested in just these questions and over a 40 year study analyzed Harvard Graduates. He detailed his findings in a book called Adaptation to Life.

What most interested me about this study was this…

Vaillant found that 5% of the people in the study were what Psychologist’s call optimally adjusted – meaning as happy as they could reasonably expect to be.

20% have personality traits and attitudes that would always make life an uphill battle.

15% are generally happy, but could get more joy from their lives.

But the bulk of people 60% veer from top to bottom depending on the circumstances that happen in their lives.

What Is It That Makes The Difference?

In any situation that anyone has ever been in there are always at least two routes – actually many more, but for simplicity we’ll say two. 

There is a route where things will get better. And one where they’ll get worse.

The person that lives a happier life will choose the happier route more often. The more often they choose that route the happier and more successful they will be.

The person that struggles through life chooses the harder route more often. The more often they choose that route the harder and more miserable they will be.

The route you take all depends on how accurately you can choose your path through life. Everyone has both hardships and opportunities. It’s the ability to spot the opportunities and avoid or minimize the hardships that creates a happier and more successful life.

The best way to be happy as a couple – in fact the only lasting way… is to be happy apart.

So many people get into or stay in a relationship because they are afraid of being alone.

They are not happy alone… so they look for the reason. And they decide that they must be unhappy because they have no-one to love or to love them. 

“If I had someone to love and to love me I would be complete and happy” they say.

Then they meet someone who roughly matches up. Initially it is exciting and fun. Both sides are intrigued and fascinated by the other.

“Oh, now we can be so happy together” they think. 

They begin making up an image of the other person. One based not on what the person is really like… but on how they are acting (on their best behavior) and on how you expect them to act in the future.

For a while it all goes well… so they are happy together.

Later though, they relax with each other. They stop living up to the image that the other still holds of them.

The other partner becomes resentful that they aren’t acting as they ’should’ be, that they have changed.

Usually they won’t actually say what they are unhappy with. But they will start to bicker. And will expect that their Partner should understand what is on their mind.

The unsaid feelings, the frustrations, the hidden anger and criticisms are like a telescope between you.

When anything is between you, you will not be as happy together as you could be.

But if that thing is not resolved, it will expand and grow. And the small pole between you will expand and force you further and further apart.

If every difference is not eliminated… it will stop you getting close and so being happy together.

The power of happy thoughts shouldn’t be underestimated. In an average day it is estimated that we have around 60,000 thoughts.

It is known that happy people think more happy thoughts than unhappy people.

Happy thoughts connect us with the clarity, confidence and courage to act… to know what to do. To travel down our own path rather than the same trail everyone else follows.

Jealous, angry and fearful thoughts take us away from our own path… our own purpose. They strip us of our power and ability to act effectively.

If we think happy thoughts… we create happy perceptions… which lead us to happy events. And so we create a exciting circle (where we become ever happier) as opposed to a vicious circle.

If we think fearful thoughts we become afraid and act defensively. This pushes away other people and other possibilities away from us. And so we become lonelier and more afraid.

The route to a happier life is through happy thoughts. Not just because they make you feel better immediately… but because happier thoughts give you a stronger and more stable foundation to your life. You are in control rather than being bounced around by life.

Happy people get far less attention from Psychologists and Sociologists, than unhappy people.

There is a mountain of research on depression and the many other thousands of ways that Psychology has categorized our misery. Only recently has the focus begun to turn to happiness.

There are a number of benefits to being joyful. Research indicates that happy people seem to;

1. Have a stronger immune system and therefore better health

2. Live longer.

3. Be more creative.

4. Be more co-operative.

5. Be more productive.

6. Be more successful in their careers.

7. Be liked more.

8. Be judged as more attractive.

9. Be more successful in relationships.

10. Be better equipped to cope with adverse situations.

11. Have a higher self-esteem.

12. Believe they have more control over their lives.

13. Be more optimistic.

Beyond these research findings there may be other unproven benefits to being happy. I believe that it is happiness that gives us the fuel and the ability to do whatever it is that we want to do.

We can want to do something. But when we want, while we are feeling low or powerless we cannot achieve anything. Emotional pain is like physical pain in the sense that it keeps directing our attention onto the thing that causes us pain.

We become like a car stuck in mud. The more that we think, the more that we act all only serves to dig ourselves into a deeper rut.

The deeper into the rut we get, the more helpless we become.

Happy people are able to stay above any dips in the road. From this point we are able to see alternative paths and options. This gives us the power and ability to change our reality.

You can feel happiness, this very minute, if you so choose.

When we talk of wanting to be happy, we are generally feeling sad or down.

Whatever emotions or feelings you are experiencing at this moment in time is dependent on your thoughts. Every emotional state is created by a hormonal and biochemical mix. To be happy is merely a chemical mix. If you have a great deal of serotonin pumping around your system you will probably feel sleepy.

So to be happy now requires you either to pay attention to something else or to perceive what you are paying attention to differently. Most people forget these options and try to go straight into changing their mood by changing the chemical status of their body.

Perhaps they will take drugs, or maybe they will eat some chocolate or drink a coffee.

If you want to change your mood instantly use this simple exercise.

Notice exactly what you are thinking and paying attention to. If the feelings you have are not enjoyable you are perhaps worrying about something, frustrated, angry or sad.

Draw a box in the air in front of you. Bring to mind all the things that you do not want and put them into the box.

Now draw another box next to your first. Into this box put all the things that you do want. 

Most people have trouble with this. They generally start to say things like; I want to not be so tired or I want to not have to worry about… These are things that you don’t want. Reverse the things you don’t want. For example, I am feeling healthy, strong and happy now, I am excited about…

Now you have a clear choice of where to focus your attention between what you do want and what you don’t want.

If you continue to focus all your energy and attention on what you do want you’ll soon find yourself with all the energy, motivation you need and you’ll be happy now.

Today we live in a society where many marriages do not last. And so Politicians and Religious leaders say we should do more to prevent divorce. 

The truth is that our relationships are not any more unhealthy than before.

But today as the pace of life speeds up… and because people can leave their relationships far easier than ever before… more people do take the choice to leave.

On the one hand it is relatively easy (compared to previous generations) to leave a marriage. And at the same time media images have raised our expectations of our Partner.

The expectations we are led to believe both consciously and subconsciously are impossible to live up to. And so it is far harder to enjoy a happy marriage.

No woman can attain the level of perfection that airbrushing can provide.

Neither can men be as rugged, sensitive and heroic as romantic images might suggest.

So once the honeymoon period is over, both parties receive these media messages. And so there seem to be so many other more appealing choices for either party than the reality.

Which is that few people really do know how to enjoy a relationship.

And so when they feel angry or frustrated with the other they begin to feel bitter and cheated.

Then the bickering starts… and they grow apart. Not inevitably, but just because often they do not know how to get back on the path to a happy marriage again.