Self Esteem: What Is It?

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Low self-esteem is a common issue. If you think about it, it’s really no wonder. We spend most of our formative years learning not to think or speak too highly of ourselves.

 

Then we are continually tested throughout school to make sure we are good enough.

 

Many people I have come across sabotage their own success and happiness because of low self-esteem.

 

Why do they do this?

 

Because they have low self esteem… They do not think they are worthy of anything good.

 

Here are some specific examples I have heard a few times.

 

Other people treat me as if I’m worthless so I must be – mustn’t I?

 

I’m no good at anything – so I can’t be worth much.

 

I only earn £17,000 a year, all my friends earn far more and have more responsibility, I must be worth less than them.

 

When I was young my Mum/Dad weren’t affectionate to me/ praised my sibling more than me so now I have low self-esteem.

 

Often people will go to a Therapist or Counselor and spend weeks or even months constructing a story as to why they are unworthy.

 

It doesn’t have to be that difficult.

 

The truth is you can make this, and anything in life, as simple or as complex as you like.

 

Low self-esteem is based on a simple misunderstanding. The misunderstanding is in the definition of Self-esteem. Self esteem is your judgment of how worthy you are.

 

Do you get that?

 

It is your judgment. Not the people around you. Not your Parents or your Employers, but yours.

 

So all the excuses about what has happened in the past… and all the actions of other people have nothing to do with your self worth.

 

They may have treated you poorly, but it was your decision, your choice to use their treatment of you as the basis for judging your self-worth.

 

So the simple route to raising your self-valuation is to make a new decision.

 

Find new information on which to base your self esteem.

 

Better still base your self-valuation on a new understanding… An understanding that you do not have to do anything in order to be worthy. You and everyone else are worthy, just for showing up and being alive.

 

Becoming happy not about having certain information. There is no Holy Grail.  There is only the willingness… to accept that up till now, perhaps some of your beliefs have been wrong… and the openness to finding a new more empowering belief.

Building Confidence

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Building Confidence is something that comes with practice. When we do something new… or something that we are out of practice in… it doesn’t feel natural and it takes a little while to get into the swing of it.

 

Our brain works by a neuro-transmitter kind of jumping from one neuron to another. This is how thoughts are created. Most of the time we do things that we’ve done a thousand times before. Driving a car… washing up… flicking on the TV and so on. We’ve done these so often that the brain has a well developed neural pathway.

 

We feel confident that we will succeed in these tasks. We’ve done them so many times that we know them inside out. When we feel like this we just operate on auto-pilot and so our attention can drift.

 

In social situations this enables your attention to be on the conversation and so you naturally have something to say.

 

What’s happening though, is that your shyness is inhibiting you from talking naturally. This is stunting your neural pathway. It’s as if there is an obstacle stopping you from going past a certain point. As a result you don’t get enough practice in talking to make it automatic. It still seems new… so your attention is focused on the task… and therefore you don’t have enough mental energy to fully be in the conversation.

 

The solution then is to gain lots and lots of practice in talking to new people. This will help in building confidence.

 

However you are in a Catch 22 situation because every time you are in the situation you freeze, which just makes it harder for next time.

 

There is a way around this. As far as your brain is concerned, there is no difference between what you imagine and what you do. So you can have imaginary conversations over and over again with various new people.

 

Picture all kinds of social environments where you confidently express yourself freely. Practice… practice… and more practice.

 

In time you will literally train your mind until it works on auto-pilot. Then your attention is free to follow the conversation and you’ll have something to say.

 

However my philosophy is that when you solve a problem on the superficial level… it will probably reoccur sooner or later in another form. So here’s what I think is really causing this.

 

That you used the word insecure describes the problem perfectly. We all have some kind of answer to the question of what life is all about.

 

I think most people’s view of life is of them as being placed in a cosmic Doll’s House. In the sense that they think of the world as being solid, unchanging and unaffected by them. Therefore they feel small, weak and insignificant, by comparison. If life doesn’t go so well… they begin to wonder if they have been put in the wrong room… if they don’t fit in.

 

Hence they feel insecure, because they don’t feel as if they belong there. They don’t feel an organic part of it.

 

Yet the laws of physics tell us that every action by you will affect the whole of the planet. If the flap of a butterfly’s wing can create change halfway across the world… what changes must you be causing?

 

You aren’t in the wrong place… you are where you’re meant to be. And the world is exactly however you see it… as a result of how you and the other six billion individuals living in it are thinking. If you change… the world will change in response to you.

 

With this kind of philosophy that has you as an integral part of the world, you feel more integrated in and so the question of insecurity becomes far less likely. And so you have a more sound basis to work on building confidence.

How To to Instantly Boost Your Self-Esteem

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I have read thousands of books, articles and message board posts advising how to boost your self-esteem. And most of them are the equivalent of painting a house that is about to collapse.

 

Keep yourself busy. Get out more. Achieve something. Write three good things about yourself. Buy new clothes and take an effort over your appearance.

 

Almost no one takes the time to think what the problem really is. It doesn’t matter if you have more money than Bill Gates. It doesn’t matter if you have more friends than a Hollywood Casting Director. It doesn’t matter if you look like Brad Pitt or J Lo. It doesn’t matter if you have a book bigger than War and Peace filled with nice things about yourself. They still won’t give you self-esteem. Not the kind of lasting self-esteem that you’ll maintain whatever happens.

 

They may make you feel better. They probably will give you more confidence. But confidence is an entirely different thing from self-esteem… although most people don’t seem to realise it.

 

But in your mind there will always be a nagging little doubt. A little voice that creeps up on you. “What if you lose your money… what if you fail next time… what if your friends don’t like you anymore… what if you get it wrong”?

 

And so you may think these things will bring you self-esteem. Yet actually what they will bring you is only a good feeling for as long as they last. And a feeling of insecurity in case they don’t last.

 

Why won’t they change your self-esteem?

 

Because self-esteem really has nothing to do with anything other than your own judgment of worthy you are. This depends on your understanding of the world and how you fit into it. All the stuff around you will change. So losses will happen… friendships will end… looks will fade… and successes will pass. But the only thing that is constant and always with you is you.

 

So to really develop a belief in yourself… that doesn’t depend on everything going right… a belief that will comfort and support you whatever happens in life… you need to understand exactly where you fit in the grand scheme of the universe.

 

Its not as snappy as the usual kind of three steps you usually see. It’s not as much fun as going out more. Nor is it as obvious as achieving more.

 

But by developing a philosophy that guides you – you’ll prevent ever being back in the same situation again.