How’s Your Relationship?
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One of the key drivers of happiness, in any form is the level of awareness you have. Burying your head in the sand won’t work. It will just cause problems to come out of nowhere and jump right in front of you. So here’s some questions to stimulate your thoughts and raise your awareness about the state of your relationships.
March 9th, 2009
Happiness Newsletter
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“Do You Ever Wonder How You Could Possibly Be Happy Now?”
I know, your circumstances are different… You couldn’t possibly be happy with everything that’s going on in your life.
But perhaps there is a way… for you to be happy without changing your job… your spouse.. or your circumstances. Perhaps there is another way of looking at your circumstances.
Or perhaps you’ve got life cracked. Perhaps you have all the answers… or just a lot of opinions.
In every message I’ll share my my opinion on a concept to lead you to happiness quicker.
Then you get your chance to tell me what I missed, what would be a better solution and so on.
The idea is that between us, we get a better solution than any one of us on our own.
If this sounds like something you would find interesting fill in your name and e-mail address below.
I promise never to sell, hire, use your e-mail address for anything other than sending you these messages. I won’t pass it to anyone else.
The Happiness Test: How Happy Are You?
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In the form below you’ll find the The Oxford Happiness Inventory developed by Michael Argyle (2001).
There are a number of psychometric tests measuring happiness. Some are as simple as asking are you happy. Others measure a number of other factors.
I like this test best. For two reasons.
One, it’s reliability and validity. This is important from a scientific viewpoint to ensure the test is measuring what it says it is – and with some accuracy. The OHI has shown a test-retest reliability of .5-.6 with a six year interval. In other words, scientifically it provides at least as true a test of happiness as any other questionnaire.
Two, the way that it defines happiness as a stable and enduring trait, as opposed to a moment to moment sensation, which will vary depending on your current mood.
The Truth About Spam And Your Email Address
The form asks for your name and email. The reason for this was originally as a service, so that you would have a record so if you wanted to compare scores now, with six months,. Sometimes I get email addresses like up@yours.com or yournotgettingit@abc.com that indicates some people think I’m about to spam them or sell their email address to the highest bidder.
I’ve never sent spam, wouldn’t know how to and aren’t interested in finding out. So I don’t really want your email address, unless you want to subscribe to my free online course and is completely separate anyway.
Creating A Vision For Life
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Creating a vision for your life is a core ingredient for a happy life. It’s also one of the hardest to achieve. It’s not something that happens overnight.
It’s an understanding you gradually come to by mixing together your interests, personality, aptitude, life experience and environment. So here’s some questions to start stimulating your awareness.
Creating Your Vision For Life
The Carpenter’s House
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An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family.
He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor.
The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end his career.
When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. “This is your house,” he said, “my gift to you.”
What a shock!
What a shame!
If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live in the home he had built none too well.
So it is with us. We build our lives in a distracted way, reacting rather than acting, willing to put up less than the best. At important points we do not give the job our best effort. Then with a shock we look at the situation we have created and find that we are now living in the house we have built. If we had realized that we would have done it differently.
Think of yourself as the carpenter. Think about your house. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Build wisely. It is the only life you will ever build. Even if you live it for only one day more, that day deserves to be lived graciously and with dignity. The plaque on the wall says, “Life is a do-it-yourself project.” Your life tomorrow will be the result of your attitudes and the choices you make today.
Author Unknown
Article On Motivation
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Generally we blame motivation or a lack of willpower for failing to keep our Resolutions. But this is too simplistic a view. If you want to create an endless source of motivation you have to understand what motivation is and how it works. Everything in life has many, many layers and levels to it. And motivation is no different.
No one has ever lacked motivation. Probably the most common area where people talk about motivation is losing weight and exercising.
Now why is someone overweight? Because they have too much motivation for the foods that m ake them put on weight.
Why don’t people exercise? Because they are more motivated to do anything rather than exercise.
The problem is not motivation. You are always motivated, but you are motivated for the things that you feel will bring the greatest rewards or the least pain.
Your motivation depends to a great extent on your personality. Introverts are more interested in avoiding pain, whereas Extraverts are more concerned with possible rewards. Some people have a longer-term view of life, others care more about now.
So an Introvert with a longer-term perspective is far more likely to choose the fat-free option because he or she wants to avoid the pain of being overweight.
Whereas a more impulsive Extravert will probably go for the chocolate cake because the reward now is far more exciting than the possible pain in the future.
Everything we do is based on an economic mindset. By economic I don’t mean financial, but we do attribute everything with a value. And we continually look to maximize our pleasure and reduce our pain.
So if your Resolutions aren’t working out. Look for what you are valuing more. The pay-off may not be obvious or even now, but on some layer or level there must be a pay-off.
This brings us to another aspect of motivation. Different Resolutions work on different levels and as a result access different sources of motivation. The source of motivation you are using will determine how long you stay motivated for.
What does this mean?
Well, there are five levels of Resolution that I can think of. And each one has a slightly longer life span than the last. I think of them like this:
The five levels are;
The Resolution you make because it’s expected of you.
This type of Resolution has no real emotional pay-off to you. It’s just something you are doing because doing something else may cause you the pain of disapproval or the risk of standing out and appearing abnormal.
Doing what’s expected is easy. It saves anyone nagging you and the effort of thinking for yourself.
But once you are out of that situation its hard to maintain, because it loses it’s reward and you have to suffer the pain of carrying it out.
The Resolution you make because you feel bad at the moment.
This type of Resolution is made as a knee jerk reaction in the moment to get rid of a pain. So it has an emotional pay-off, but as soon as the pain has gone there is no reason to continue.
For example, if you really analyze why people exercise – I used to own a Health Club, so I did – you’ll find that they tend to do it because they’re fed up being overweight or unfit or whatever. But this isn’t a sudden decision. Most have been considering exercising for months or even years. What really gets them to start is a more intense emotional pain.
Either a Doctor scares them into exercising or more often it’s a time when they feel insecure. Perhaps they have just got divorced… or their relationship is hitting a rocky patch and they are thinking of either competing for their Partner or being back on the dating market. Whatever the specifics they feel so bad when they worry that they have to do something to ease the pain. ‘Yes, they say I’m determined to stay on the program this time. I know its not a quick fix’. And they mean it when they say it.
Two or three months later though, the situation that was causing the pain has resolved itself one way or another. So the incentive for exercising has gone. Yet still the grind of going through the boring routine is still there. Sooner or later the pain of exercising outweighs the pain relief it used to bring. And then the Resolution ends.
The Resolution you make because you want something.
Sometimes this level comes from wanting something to get rid of a pain. And sometimes it just a natural ambition to grow. It lasts until you outgrow the desire or something better comes along.
Often people will go through the other levels of Resolution. And with each stage of evolution they find that life in general starts to feel better after overcoming a problem.
Then somewhere something just clicks and they realize that they feel better because each problem caused them to grow, in order to resolve it. The idea pops into their head that if they were to just grow for the sake of it… life might get more and more enjoyable.
Because this resolution is based on a far more permanent feeling it lasts for far longer than the previous motivations, which were just passing wants. However what you want and do to feel good will change as you grow.
One time you may want X, but three months or three years (depending on how quickly you are evolving) later you change your mind about what will make you feel good. Then your Resolution will change possibly before your motivation goes.
The Resolution you make because it’s you.
There are some things that you just feel so strongly about that you absolutely must do them or you would never do them. This is because they just aren’t you. So the motivation for this type of resolution will last for as long as your identity remains constant.
You can have different Resolutions in different areas of your life at different levels. Each level of resolution represents the overcoming of a problem or an urge to grow.
Overcoming these problems or achieving these desires causes us to grow and evolve. Once we grow there is no going back. Try not being able to ride a bike or do up your shoelaces. So problems and desires are the carrot and the stick forcing us to evolve.
Eventually we can reach a stage where we realize that… all along it was us that created the problems. And if we just accept ourselves as we are… we can enjoy all of life – and life will enjoy us.