I was talking to a very experienced and very calm Teacher the other day. And I asked him what was the biggest change in his teaching style from starting out as a newly qualified Teacher. His response was that with a particularly rowdy class he would deliberately ignore them. Where they are used to being told off and in a sense, behaviourally controlled, the lack of anything to rebel against causes their behaviour to burn out and so they calm down. Whereas picking up on what they are doing wrong can give them something to fight against and so hype them up.
This made me think of something that I have learned in my work.
The Lightest Touch Leads To The Happiest Outcome
People are mostly looking for the keys to happiness. The steps to manage stress. The formula for happy relationships. When in actual fact, after almost two decades of study and thousands of case studies, I have come to understand that it’s not what you need to do to be happy. It’s what do you need to stop doing that makes you unhappy.
It’s not what you need to do that will make you happy.
It’s what are you are doing that is making you unhappy.
Think about it.
Stress and despair happen when you actively think of what has gone wrong, could go wrong or will go wrong. You have to be the one that works at creating the unhappiness. As Richard Bandler says, ‘disappointment takes adequate planning’.
It’s counter intuitive to think that maybe our path to happiness and peace lies in doing nothing, because we have a basic assumption that we, as humans, have dominion over the planet and need to be the cause of every event.
It’s why, when our Ancestors needed rain they would dance.
Or why, when they needed to appease the Gods they would offer a sacrifice.
And it’s why, now when we want some peace of mind and happiness, we believe that there is something that we have to do. Some specific actions that we have to take to be happy. And that’s where you get these well meaning, but ill-informed prescriptions of activities that happy people do that lead people to trust more in external rules than their own internal wisdom. That just leads millions of people to feel alienated, lost and fearing that they are somehow abnormal and ‘bad’.
The True Requirements Of Happiness
The truth is we are happy when we have something to go for and are free to pursue that. A dream. A sense of purpose that we see as being greater than just fulfilling our personal self-interest.
It is only when we don’t have some light at the end of our tunnel to aim for, or we feel blocked or held back from it, that we are stressed, frustrated and generally unhappy.
Yet it is almost always us, personally or as a society that create the stress that we feel. Sometimes it’s because we believe something must happen with our goal.
For example, people often tell me that they just want a happy relationship. The problem is that it has to be with this certain person and that person isn’t interested in the same kind of relationship. So it feels like their desire for a happy relationship is blocked, which it is until they let go of the need for it to be with that individual, right now.
If the situation is such where you meet someone or something that is an unmoveable object on the way of your goal, you have to become so flexible that you change and adapt around them. That requires you to make a definite decision as to what is your priority and being willing to abandon anything – or anyone – that restrains you from achieving that goal.
Another way that this lack of clarity shows up, is when we want two goals and only have the resources to achieve one. Maybe we are too stretched in time or money or energy to split ourselves, but we haven’t focused our resources on the one target. And so the problem is a lack of focus caused by indecisiveness.
But the stress and unhappiness are not caused by events, but by our interpretations, beliefs and thoughts of what these events mean and their possible consequences. Therefore our stress is not caused by what happens, but from the sense we make from what has and might happen.
If we stop holding onto that perspective and so we adapt our thinking, we stop the stress. And when we stop the stress and move in a positive direction towards where we want to be, we feel happy.
Be lighter about being happy. Find something you want to achieve, aim for it and let go of the shackles that hold you back. Then enjoy and find something else to go for. The real fun is in the process.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Rob,
Interesting article on stop doing what makes you unhappy to be happy. This makes a lot of sense but isn’t necessarily easy. What with the horrible U.S. economy, myself out of work for over a year, it’s a bit hard to be bright and cheery. I do try and put all this into perspective and tell myself this is all temporary and things will get better, eventually, but not now. Sometimes I feel like I’m in prison with no release date. If I had a date I could simply count down the days till my freedom. But that’s not the case and that makes the unknown very uncomfortable. I doing my best to hang in there.
Thanks for an informative piece.
Regards,
Al
Hi Al,
I can understand how difficult your situation is, but I do believe there is always a way to live more happily in every situation. Am writing a follow up post now based on your comment.
Also had an idea to put the question out for others who may be able to share different views that might change your perspective.
I’ll be back in touch when I’ve finished this post.
Rob
uhh ya know this life will not be easy . Don’t care what anyone tells ya . Believe inside yourself believe you you . Find in your-self a smile a thing that makes you warm and fuzzy . It doesn’t make sense its all nonsensical (oops prob misspell) . You are a man as I doubting / hell , hurting . You have things to do I have things to do . Lets fight hard and make ourselfs happy no matter what this is our life . man it aint easy , but its worth doin
Al, Sounds like you bought into the idea that you HAD to put yourself into an uncomfortable prison every workday, just so you could experience the “happiness” of the End Of The Workday Whistle. What makes you feel like you are in prison? Remember to experience being alive! You aren’t counting down the days til you are released from life, just the days til you are released from your mistaken image of work as uncomfortable. In this new world of luxury, who wants to hire a robot that expects their workplace to be painful?
Hi Al,
I can appreciate your suffering as I could be happier with my current work situation…the dilemma I think is how can I stay aware of this enough to continue working on resolving it while not losing sight of all the opportunities for fulfillment and meaningful engagement available to me in my current life and environment. “..no release date” sounds very painful! Usually if the “prison” does not have literal bars, I tend to think it is somewhat of our own making..(having found myself in enough prisons of my own making in the past!). Perhaps in my disappointment and dissatisfaction with my current predicament, I have focused all of my attention on this situation that is not to my liking and have “missed” those people, circumstances and opportunities which are there to engage myself with meaningfully…something that keeps me connected to life if not happily then meaningfully…and not just to “pass the time”…but more deeply, I believe that at times like these I may have forgotten to look for life’s “invitations” : to ease someone’s suffering by taking the time to listen, to take up a cause personally meaningful to me, to visit an old friend I have lost touch with, to engage in silliness of some kind, turn on some music or rekindle an interest I once took much pleasure in, find a child to play with and generally to look for the good and the gift in each and every day…this is MY PRECIOUS LIFE, after all! I think we tend to be in this situation we are not happy with and so then “discount” (or become blind to) the life and the world around us and available to us today. Therein may lie the solution to our current situation also. Perhaps you are provided this “extra time” because there is something you might need to attend to that if discovered and engaged with can render your life more meaningful and satisfying than if you had not had this “break” in your employment. Its also good, I think, to recognize that you are not alone in your situation and that others dealing with similar circumstances may have some suggestions or encouragement to offer.
During times like this, I find it helpful to attend workshops, engage with a spiritual community and look for offerings of interest in my local community and to structure my day so that I stay engaged with others and with life…to assure that my life isn’t CENTERED on what I perceive to be presently lacking.
Hope some of this might be helpful…I have been in your circumstances and will hold you lovingly in the Light!
Sincerely,
Danette
Happiness is something which we cant buy or snatch its something from your inner.No one can give us happiness rather we make ourselves happy.Dont think that you are unhappy think that you have everthing which you wish and dream in your life that positive thinking lead you to the happiest path in your life.Feel satisfy on things which you have.Be flexible in your relationships.Dont expect anything from anyone.And be confident that you have the reason and right to spend a happy life.Dear dont spoil your life after running that how and who will make you happy.Be happy always….. ok! best of Luck!!!!!!!!!
Sorry to hear you’re in such a tough spot Al. I’ve been there myself. While I was in that place, I came up with my motto for life. ‘My best is all I can do.’ If you are doing all that you can to solve your problems, then you have to be fulfilled by that. Getting distressed by what has happened, or what might or might not happen in the future is a wasteful use of energy. When you start to feel frustrated, take a moment. Breathe in, Breathe out and know that in that moment, you are alright and that is a reason to smile.
Be well,
C.
Hello Al,
I think I know exactly how you feel. Without getting into the details, let me just tell you that losing my job about 3 years ago was no day at the beach. On the other hand, it also meant the beginning of a new career for me which, as it turns out, is the best thing that ever happened to me both in terms of income and happiness.
I sincerely wish you well and recommend that you take a moment to read pages 93 through 95, The Human Operating System in Rob’s book. I think it something you’ll find interesting.
Best of luck,
Denis
Al,
I couldn’t agree more with Danette’s response. I would only add that life typically gives us more of what were’re focused on. That’s not to say that certain “events” are always created this way, but in an overall sense, continuing to see the world through this new lense will inevitably prolong it. How do you do that? Well that’s always the question. For me it’s about change in focus that Danette’s list addresses so very well.
It is very difficult, I have found, to stay immeshed in my own problems, while at the same time focusing outward. Outward, meaning a focus about anything but me. This is a chance to grow and because your current situation will eventually change, as life always does, down the road somewhere you will be able to look back and be proud of this time in your life.
One more thing Al. Inside this quote I’ve come to love, is what I consider the very core of a healthy perspective. While you go about finding yours, I offer it to you as a touchstone to come back to whenever you need to get back on track. It goes like this.
“Imagine how happy you’d be, if you lost everything you have ……and then got it all back”.
We all have a wealth of things around us that have more value than we are aware of. Considering the reality of losing those things, gives us a chance to be grateful, even in these times. I have come to believe that if we are not grateful for what you have, we will never be truely happy with what we want. I wish you all the best.