Emotional Healing Through Learning To Love (OK, Like a Little) Pain And Discomfort

When I first started this website, I wanted to share some of the quotes, stories and poems that I found most inspiring. My favourite among these was a poem that has since become fairly famous, The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.  I loved the cold, bluntness that speaks of the challenge to living authentically.

Recently I have been wanting to talk of something that I notice holds back many people from moving on in their life and getting back on track. And nothing sums up that problem more clearly than the stark challenge in ‘The Invitation’.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,

mine or your own,

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

Do You Really Need That Painkiller?

photo credit: sfxeric

Many of the problems we face, come from this inability to tolerate a little discomfort.  The inability to ask an awkward question or confront someone.  The fear of losing the little we have, for the lot we might have.

The reason many people do not feel passion and excitement in their life is because they cannot sit with discomfort long enough to be able to pass through the painful stage to follow their bliss.  The fear of looking stupid or failing.  The unwillingness to push that little bit further.

The discovery and use of analgesics was a huge advance in medicine. It is fantastic that our operations and medical procedures can be carried out with minimal pain. It is comforting that our loved ones with chronic or incurable conditions can have their pain and discomfort eased.

But do we really need to consume pills to block every minor ache and twinge?

According to Drug Enforcement Administration statistics, in the U.S. alone, 200,000 pounds of codeine, morphine, oxycodone, hydrocodone and meperidine were purchased over the counter in 2005.  That’s a hell of a lot of drugs for ailments that don’t require a prescription.

Many people believe that the widespread availability of painkillers means that they should never again feel a twinge of pain. Yet pain, like negative emotions,  isn’t bad for us, it’s just an inbuilt warning signal to return to a more balanced state.

All difficult things have their origin in that which is easy, and great things in that which is small.

Lao Tzu

The first thing that most people do when they have a headache is to reach for a tablet. It’s understandable, no one likes to feel pain and it stops us with getting on with what we have planned.

However, there is a reason why you have a headache. Maybe you need stronger glasses, maybe you’ve a cold coming, maybe you’re dehydrated.  When you get a headache, it’s a warning that something is not quite right with your body. And when you dismiss that warning sign, you could be allowing a minor imbalance to develop into a serious and raging health scare.  Personally I want to feel every ache and pain and know when something’s wrong and try to rectify it there and then. This is even more true when it comes to emotional balance.

Pain Leads To Happiness… At Least It Does When You Accept and Allow It

The growth of positive psychology and positive thinking has many people thinking that they must be happy all the time.  And that to feel depressed, frustrated or stressed makes them a failure.

That’s nonsense.

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.
Lao Tzu

Happiness is the result of fully experiencing life.  To dismiss or disregard pain is to reject life.  I often say that you can either be right or happy, but not both.  What that really means is that you can ride the wave of life, wherever it takes you and live a thrilling adventure.

photo credit: dcysurfer / Dave Young

Or you can attempt to live out your pre-set plan rejecting anything life throws at you that you did not previously know, or think, to include.  To do this is to fail to feel the vibrancy of life and grow in harmony with the heartbeat of God, but to believe that you already know what is best for you.  In which case you may as well be dead, for there is nothing left for you in life.

The only problem people have is that they really don’t understand that life has to be lived.  That means a moment by moment experiencing and reacting.  Most of us make our puny, little plans that we think will lead us to safety and security.  Then we cling to those plans for weeks, years, decades, irritated with circumstances that disrupt our plans.  Yet what you think are disruptions, are really upgrades to a more vivid and thrilling plan.  God has a bigger and grander plan for you.  And that means sailing closer to the sun and feeling more heat.

After 17 years of researching stress, happiness and the art of living, I know one thing clearer than ever.  I, or anyone else, could never prescribe the values, goals, habits, actions or behaviours that will make you happy.  Because happiness is the result of you being you, more fully and truly than you are now.  And that comes from an increased awareness and interaction with the heartbeat of Life.  Not from meeting some template.

This is why I hate so many of these idiotic books on happiness or personal development that assume that because 80% of happy people hop on one foot every day, hopping on one foot will make you happy.  Or I did X Y and Z and am happy so you too should do X Y and Z.

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.

Lao Tzu

You do not dominate life with force and bend it to your will, you listen to it’s whisper and let it lead you gently to your bliss.  Otherwise it will drag you there bouncing you off every rock until you finally relent and go with the flow.

photo credit: nwrafting

The Consequences of Blocking Out Pain

When we cannot sit with emotional pain we try to mask it or block out the discomfort by comfort eating, drinking, shopping, drugs, exercising, throwing ourselves into our work, having affairs, playing video games, surfing the net and a hundred other ways.  All of these have consequences that take us further from where we want to be.

If we comfort eat, we have to deal with being overweight.  If we intoxicate ourselves we have to deal with the hangover and other potential problems.  If we have affairs, take revenge, physically or verbally, we have to reconcile the relationship(s).  Every action has a reaction that will surface sooner or later in our life.

Masking the minor pain doubles the problem.  Sooner or later we still have to face up to the original problem, but now we also have to deal with the consequences of the distractions we sought refuge in.

It is much easier if we are open and brave enough to deal with life as it comes.  The most effective way to quickly move from unhappy to happy is by fully understanding and accepting how you feel.  Pain is a message that has it’s own solution wrapped inside it’s experience.

For example, anxiety can be terribly debilitating.  It ruins lives.  Yet it is impossible to be anxious about something that has already happened.  Anxiety is the fear of what might happen.  So the solution is to do what you fear and either way, the fear will dissipate.  Unfortunately, because the fear is too great for them to reach the other side, they never get to move past their anxiety.

Many people, particularly those of a more sympathetic disposition, find it very difficult to sit with the pain of a loved one.  Every parent knows how it feels to see your child in pain, when you are helpless to alleviate it.

Yet when we attempt to fix things for others or tell them to put a brave face on it, we take away the opportunity for them to grow through their problem and come through it a stronger, more resilient and resourceful individual.

It is difficult to sit with pain and disappointment.  It takes courage and a deep seated, basic trust in yourself, others and the universe.  But avoiding it leads to emptiness and chronic pain.

The Key To Reaching Happiness

Having watched many, many people going through tough times, I can pinpoint the critical difference between those who resolved their dilemma, confusion or frustration and those who stayed stuck.

The ones who resolved their challenges were those who faced up to the real issues and accepted how they felt without holding onto blame or guilt.  They then worked doggedly to make sense of what their true problem was.  Not impatiently demanding quick fixes, but allowing the solution to reveal itself as and when they were ready to hear it.

Those who stayed stuck, tried lots of paths.  First a book that promised a quick fix.  Then subliminal messages.  Then a famous Guru’s system.  Then affirmations.  All the time seeking a miracle because they wanted the world to respond differently to them without them having to change anything.

• They wanted a great love affair, but it had to be with the one who didn’t want them.
• They wanted a happy relationship, but it was their Partner that had to change.
• They wanted more free time and less stress, but wouldn’t let anything go.
• They wanted peace, but demanded the other side stop being unreasonable first.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Lao Tzu

Life is always simple, but it is what we demand life to conform to, that makes it seem so complicated.

So what are you demanding life to deliver that is causing you unnecessary pain?