Based on my experience, I would say the biggest issue most people have in their life is in their relationships. More specifically to do with finding their soulmate.
For some the problem is finding that person who they yearn to meet.
For others the problem may be dealing with the devastation of breaking up with, or falling out of love with, the person they thought was their soul mate. This post will explain what I think is the real problem is and hopefully in changing the way you look at it, will make the end result of a sense of wholeness and completion a step nearer.
In truth, almost all our problems only crop up because we get stuck at looking at them in a certain way. The more openly and honestly you can look at a situation, the quicker you can resolve it. In the case of romance though, for many people it is a hope they cling to dearly, much as people dream of winning the lottery.
First of all, I have to admit to being completely unromantic. Everyday millions of people lose themselves in romantic fantasies. Millions of copies of glossy magazines, Mills and Boon style books and movies are bought by those dreaming of an escape from the cold, hard realities of life. The classic stereotype is a Handsome Hero charging in on his white horse and whisking you away to a dream life. It’s like Cinderella being seen not as the Maid in rags, but as a beautiful Princess.
Image FromWe all live with that nagging feeling that something is missing in our lives. We all wish that we could just be accepted, recognised and respected as ourselves. Yet the world continually overlooks what we could be in favour of what we have done wrong or what we are lacking.
So we look for that unconditional acceptance and love from our closest relationships. And so we dream of a partnership where we can just be ourselves.
Why We Crave A Soul Mate
An Oasis of honesty, acceptance and love in a dishonest and critical world. Yet this goes against everything that happens in the real world and so romance has become escapism. It is the desire to see and be seen, not as we really are, but as perfect.
In other words, while we believe that we are flawed, miserable sinners, we want to find that deluded one who dazzled by our light, can only see how beautiful and lovable we are. We want the Shallow Hal experience. Furthermore, we don’t want the deluded one to be working his or her stuff out like us, we want them to be perfect except for the blinders with us.
Sorry if I have completely ruined your romantic delusions, but now I would like to give you something that is more solidly based and achievable.
There are two worlds. An inner world and an outer world. Or a physical and an emotional world. And we live in both.
Our inner self is perfect. Our emotional world is free flowing and filled with potential. We only have to imagine something and it is done.
When we imagine an interaction positively, we say and do the perfect things. We never lack confidence, stumble or have bad hair days.
photo credit: Kaptain Kobold
In the everyday world, achieving this potential, means jumping through lots of hoops and finding ways around numerous obstacles.
We can imagine a building in an instant, but it’s realisation may take three years or more, finding reliable Architects, Builders and a long battle with Building regulations and Health and Safety requirements.
In the same way, in our inner world we can be wise, witty, charming and gorgeous, but out in the physical world there’s the problem of confidence, anxiety, tiredness and spots.
As we move between the two worlds, we know that we can be more than we are. We know that if only the world could get to see our inner self, it would recognise what we really are and what we could be and do. We just want someone else to see it and give us a break. And I think it is this frustration that gave birth to the romantic delusion.
How We Get Separated From Our Inner Self
From the moment we are born, we are trained into the ways of the world. We have religious beliefs, laws, cultural and social customs and standards. Even when we go out to work there are certain Industry-wide customs and norms. Then we have the expectations of our friends and families. And many, many more ways that we ‘should’ be.
photo credit: Nationaal Archief
So here we are, knowing that we could do great things, yet trying to tally what comes naturally with arbitrary and imperfect frameworks. And so we feel torn, between what our inner self screams at us doing and what our code or culture tells us we ‘should’ do.
The craving we feel for our Soul Mate is really about wanting our own wholeness and completion. It is the merging of the two worlds and the destruction of the mental barriers of, well meaning but unnatural and flawed, rules made without knowing the bigger picture. It is living in the world as we really are. Without any pretence or compromise.
Because we see only our physical self we have the belief that this merging, acceptance and wholeness must come from another. And so our hope lay with this mysterious other deluded one. Therefore it seemed like luck as to whether we met or recognised him or her and found our completion.
When we understand that it is ourself we seek, we know that luck is not involved. The path to wholeness comes from honesty, integrity and congruence. Honesty about what we really think and feel. Integrity between thoughts, feelings and actions. Which all leads to congruence between the inner and outer world.
How To Achieve Wholeness
The obstacles to congruence are those frameworks and systems that mediate between the two worlds. It’s the training that our Parents, Religions, Nations and Institutions have drilled into us that we need to follow as opposed to our own inner sense of what is right. The concern of what others will think and trying to live up to rules and expectations.
To live happily we have to develop the confidence and trust ourselves regardless of whether others approve. To be true to ourself we must go beyond off-the-shelf religions, rules and code and instead live by the highest standards of integrity, to only do that, which makes us proud of ourselves.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Religion must be the most dangerous philosophy created.More harm has been done in the name of religion than any other cause.
Very true, Kyri. It’s ironic that religion is a genuine attempt to do good, yet that attempt pursued with blind certainty leads to so much hurt.
It’s easy for us to blame religion, yet I think the deeper problem is whenever we are so certain that the ends justify the means.
Rob as ever this does touch a spot – sometimes though I think it is hard to really get to the honesty about what we feel – I think many of us really do feel that some of what might be considered the more superficial stuff of life (possessions, status) is actually fundamentally important – how do you suggest we get to the honesty? Or can that be honesty?
I am suggesting we separate religion and spirituality as otherwise I feel we are in danger of chucking the bably out with the bath water i.e. the reachings of Buddha and Jesus are wonderful but I am disconcerted by temples, cathedrals, robes etc – did these 2 guys really envisage all this stuff?
Ruth, I think that it’s all important.
For me what is spiritual is the essence, the non-physical idea. This idea extends out into the physical reality.
So for example, beauty creams and fashion might seem like the height of superficiality. At their core though, they are extensions of the idea of soothing someone’s fears and doubts. As was Mother Theresa’s work in helping people to die in greater comfort and dignity.
The superficial things stem from the spiritual core. They are the same idea, diluted and manifested in different forms. However because they come in a different – and watered down – form, they appear to be superficial.
There is only oneness. It just appears splintered.
With regards spirituality and religion.
I see religion as the social and political organisation of spiritual teachings. You could say, it’s the attempt to physicalise spirituality. It’s the way every popular philosophy becomes more worldly and so compromised.
Spirituality is an Individual’s degree of evolution in understanding his or her place in the universe. It’s personal and there’s no need, gain or interest in ‘converting’ others.
Rob – I found the placing of what might seem superficial ‘things’ into context really helpful. Your last sentence doesn’t make sense to me in that surely that is what your work is about and it is what the spiritual teaching are about (underneath the physicalisation – like that) – conversion would be not quite the right term but certainly helping others to reach a more peaceful place through spiritual teachings is arguably the most important work on the planet – so there is interest in this from an individuals point of view??
Spirituality is about your personal relationship with your inner you, God or however you want to define it. It’s individual and unique.
Religion has been the attempt to take one great individual’s spirituality and clone it. It doesn’t work because no one else is in the same place emotionally to have the mental framework and references to fully understand it.
Each person’s spiritual growth comes as we interact with others. Of course, if I see someone hungry and I know where food that they can’t see is, I will share that knowledge with them. That’s in line with what feels right to me. But the extent of my attachment ends with acting in line with my personally defined sense of right and wrong.
If they eat it or not doesn’t alter my spirituality.
In contrast religion cares about shepherding large numbers into sharing the same beliefs.