The Formula For Stress And Contentment

There is a formula that can reliably predict how stressed or content you will be.  Essentially it boils down to how insistent you are that the world lives up to your personal ideals and expectations.

Almost all of us bemoan the circumstances of our lives.  We get frustrated that our loved ones do not live up to our ideals.  We get irritated because our Bosses and Co- Workers are just not smart enough, quick enough or on the ball enough.  If you think about it, most of the stress we feel is because of someone else.

Our kids aren’t getting ready quick enough in the morning.  The traffic is moving too slow for us.  Clients and Customers don’t ‘get’ our solutions and ideas quick enough to save us from feeling exasperated.  The Government and other large Organisations are incompetent.  And so it can seem that we are forever being held back by the other people that we come into contact with.

It’s one of the odd little quirks in our personality that, while we expect perfection from others that we also expect understanding and tolerance on the numerous occasions where we fall short of perfection.  Psychologists have a theory to explain this tendency.  It’s called attribution theory.

In brief, it describes the way we way that we attribute blame or responsibility to our own actions and those of others who we interact with.  It’s often explained in this way.

If you and I both fell, I would say (to myself) that you are a clumsy oaf who fell, but it wasn’t my fault because I was pushed.

In another circumstance, we might both hit a perfect tee shot while playing golf.  I might attribute your’s to the luck that a sudden gust of wind blew your shot back on course, while mine was because of the perfect technique in my swing.

photo credit: Don Fulano

In other words we tend to blame others for their mistakes, and circumstances for our own.  Conversely we  take responsibility for our successes and lucky circumstances for others people’s.  Attribution theory protects our self esteem.  It enables us to feel special in a world where there are people better than us at almost everything we do.

However it also creates a distorted view of the world that means the world is guaranteed to fall short of our expectations and sets us up for a life of stress and frustration.

The art of living is a balancing act.  It’s a lot like one of those puzzles where you have to get all the balls on a hole.  You can get all bar one, but in trying to fit in the last one… everything falls out.  Trying to get it perfect can end up leaving you worse than if you never tried.

Where Are You Placing Your Bet?

photo credit: conorwithonen

In much the same way people can get into developing themselves and while they are trying to get their career perfect, their relationships start falling apart.  Or as they strive for perfect health, they neglect some other area.

I’ve often come across Personal Development Devotees who seem on a race to perfection.  I often wonder where these speed reading, vegan eating, hyper-productive, exercising would-be Gods think that they are headed?

Now I’m not knocking anyone for trying to improve herself, but when someone pursues growth (or anything) with such zeal and vigor, it signifies that they believe it to be their salvation.

However the dynamic is much like how someone with an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder keeps straightening cupboards or washing their hands.  However much they wash or straighten, they never get it perfect.  Not for long anyway.

You can’t become God and you can’t fix life.

I’ve noticed that every workplace has in it’s culture, it’s own currency.  In some, workers jealously watch and covet overtime.  In another, it might be access to the decision-maker.  In others it’s the more favourable tasks.  Likewise, every social group, every religion and probably every family have their own resource that they most value and fight for.  It is the criteria against which someone is judged to be valuable or worthwhile.

Those who take personal development to be their religion are in essence placing their trust in themselves.

Those who pursue politics, place their trust in society to fix the world.

Those who seek security in material wealth are placing their faith in economics.

Those who believe devoutly in a religion, are placing their faith in God (or more accurately their idea of God)

These aims will always be frustrated.  Because we do not need to place our bets anywhere.  We don’t need and will never achieve salvation.  The world with all it’s flaws and imperfections is already perfect, as it is.  It’s never going to run with predictable efficiency.  The only thing that needs to change, for our sanity, is our understanding.

The Less Perfect You Need The World, Your Partner, Or Your Boss, To Be The Happier You Will Be

The fact is none of us are ever going to achieve perfection in all aspects, for any sustained period of time.  It is the ability to understand and grasp this reality that determines how comfortable our lives become.  Let me explain how this affects us on a more practical level.

Often people talk about not being able to find a Lover or sustain a happy relationship.

If you demand absolute perfection from your Spouse or Partner than you will never be able to sustain a happy relationship with anyone.  Your chances of a happy relationship are zero because no-one can live up to your ideals.

At the other end of the scale, if you have little demands and can accept and live happily with any flaws and faults then you could be happy with anyone.  Your chances of a happy relationship are certain because anyone you meet could fulfil your requirements.

Of course, this is just pointing out the two extremes and I’m not suggesting that people should learn to live with abuse.  What I am trying to point out, is that as we get more and more picky about what others should be and do, the harder we make it to meet and enjoy a rewarding relationship.

Likewise, the more expectations and demands we have of our Employers, Colleagues and workplace, the harder it will be for us to be happy at work.  And the more we expect from our family and all the other circumstances and people we come into contact with in everyday life, the harder we make it to be happy.

You might think, but if I do not push and expect less, won’t people just perform to a lower ability?  Do they not need my pushing to motivate them?

Wanting more does not preclude your being able to tolerate less.  We all want more and we are all striving for more.  That’s the natural journey of life.  Yet it is when we refuse to bend to the reality, of ‘what is’, that we end up breaking deals, relationships, our health and ultimately our happiness.