Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment or vote on the last post. I’m glad that most people want to continue because we’re about to get to the meat of the topic. I have pretty much ready the next installment of how to process the information, but before you read that I have a mission for you… should you choose to accept it. First, let me set the stage a little.
People get all hung up and paralysed when they are stressed. But 99.9% of the time it passes. Their Boss quits and work becomes much less of a problem, their money problems pass, they stop worrying about their ex and start a new relationship or whatever.
We always worry about stuff that’s temporal, which means that what we worry about always changes and so passes. Sometimes our worries come to life and then we deal with them. Sometimes they bring new worries and so we just get new sources of stress. But the individual things that we were worrying about always move to a place where they stop bothering us.
So what we are looking to do is get to the end goal, move from stressed to resolved about an issue, quicker, so it causes us less discomfort. By speeding up the natural process, we avoid or minimise the discomfort.
So today, I’m asking for your help.
You have a whole databank filled with years of experiences of successfully overcoming stress and observing other people deal or not deal with situations.
You may never have thought of it that way. You might just have thought ‘time heals’ or ‘it just became unimportant’. But there’s a sequence of changes in your mind that happened so that the event no longer causes you stress or emotional pain.
So if you could, please add your experiences, or those you’ve observed, as many as you can and in as much detail as you can. Then I’ll try to gather them together, analyse and figure out the many different ways that caused people to process events and how we can use these natural processes to get rid of stresses quicker.
The reason I want to get this from you now, is because after the next post, you might start looking at the situation differently. I want your raw experiences, to see if there is something I have missed.
Then on Monday, I’ll post the next instalment. Meanwhile I’ll be sifting through your experiences for more ideas.
You can add your comments below. But in case you only want to share them with me, for the purposes of research, without them ever being shared, you can send them to me here.
Please detail the situation, what happened and the end result.
Looking back on it, what has changed?
How do you/they feel differently about the situation?
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I seem to get stressed out at any event that does not meet my expectations. If i am not able to control the situation, or environment around me.. it stresses me out. I am very sensitive to noises, smells, and sights moreso than most other people. What i do, is get upset and usually try to avoid or run away from the problem.
Sometimes the problems goes away on its own. Sometimes, i have to take some action to change the situation or remove myself from the situation.
But, the small stresses that happen daily do, over a period of time, take their toll on my emotional, physical and psycological well-being.
Hi Rob,
I could say that I’ve really been thru a lot in life .. oh well, i think Ieverybody is … I don’t want to compare the hardships and trials I had underwent with anyone as I know we have our own battle or struggles uniquely for us. Even now, everytime I thought of how I mange to overcome those fears, struggles or stress, I still am amaze that I am the person I am and where I am now to where I used to be… Im not saying I’m successful but if being able to cope up my stress and being the stronger person I am now a lot better than I used to be is considered a success then I’m way too successful in that aspect. I am the kind of person that I think one of my gift is my instinct. My instinct are correct most of the time tho I don’t usually have it as my basis what I do is that I stick with what reality gives me.. Exmaple, If my instinct tells me that this person is somewhat I cannot give my trust with .. i won’t automatically stop knowing that person or I will avoid him in an instant waht I’ll do is I’ll do the opposite, I’ll know him more but of course thaere’s that reservation becasue of what the instincts told me and then try to validate and see whether my instincts are correct or not. I willd eal with what reality presents me. someitmes my instincts fails as well.. so I’d say that I stick with what reality or the facts of life tells me … Yes, facing reality is the way I deal stress. I’ll boldy face what the reality has for me no matter how painful, no matter how hard, no matter how it tears me apart. It’s like I’m imagining there’s a big wind trying to stop me from going to my destination and tho no matter how that wind try to put me down, hurt me or keep me away from my goal, I’ll keep pushing and walking or even crawling to get to my destination and once I’m there there’s another level to go through.. For me, the sooner you realize what’s the truth/ what the reality is the better. Then once I ahve accepted reality and what it presents to me, I’ll contemplate on what are the possible actions I can do, to face it , I would usually chose the one that will benefit a lot or those that has a lot more advantages not only to me for the scenario itself making me more better and learning from that situation. I know it’s easier than done.Cause sometimes I myself feel weak as well jsut like the many others who doesn’t seem to know where to start once stress came in so I gather all my strength and pray from the Almighty one to have the courage to face reality and after i did the first bold step of accepting reality the rest just follows, and before I know it i already did overcome it or the stress just passby leaving me more bolder and stronger and a lot better person that I used to be =)
Hi Rob,
What Maggie says makes a lot of sense to me. I can think of 2 instances in my life where things that I valued were removed from my life. One was the death of an animal I was close to and the other a relationship with someone who had been the love of my life for many years. In both cases I had difficulty facing up to the truth. In the former there was no going back but in the latter this was more difficult as there was the potential not of going back but of going forwards to something better. It has taken me a long time to accept that although I have left the door open there is no evidence that the other person wants to move forwards with me. I still struggle with this at times but can now see that there is the same and possibly better potential with other human beings which undoubtably exist in the world. If I were to have the time over again I would have faced reality much quicker, left the door open still but moved on to a happier life. I am finally starting to understand the power of the choice between being right and being happy and I think what stopped me moving on sooner was the feeling that I could have done better. I told the other person on many occasions that I accepted my part in the downfall of our relationship but they were unable/did not want to meet me half way and thus I ended up living in limbo for the best part of 2 years. THIS IS A WASTE OF PRECIOUS LIFE AND I NEVER WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN. So I agree – face the facts, deal with them, look at your options, leave doors open as long as you can but get on with life – it is wonderful, exciting and not to be wasted!!!!
1. had to decide between two choices of health insurance.. One is a comprehensive world wide cover, but very expensive.. the other covers me and my family in Singapore and short travel, relatively inexpensive and can be paid out of pension plan (no cash out flow).. I had to take in the possibility of the insurance coverage required if i decide to return to india after 5 years..
i was searching the internet for various options, the cost of an insurance plan in india etc etc.. the research process itself was a bit stressful.. made some reasonable search and arrived at a decision.. stress immediately subsided..
the stress arising from the research was mainly because I had a lot of other things to do and so could not give it full attention..
2. a local educational instiyution asked me to give some lectures on risk management..i tentatively aaccepted the offer.. was a bit stressed that i had a lot of work to do to make the lecture successful (prepare slides, make lecture notes, exam paper, mark the paper etc etc).. i decided to decline the offer as i was not prepared for the commitment of time.. stress immediately subsided..i do not feel that i have lost an opportunity..
3. unresolved issues at work place cause stress.. i tend to procrastinate and that makes it worse..i am sometimes not able to motivate myself to get thigs moving if i think it is not very important, but unresolved issues do cause stress..but if i get myself to work on it, it will get resolved, but i lose the opportunity work on more important things..
it is less important to me personally, but these are quite important for the organization (my values do not match those of my organization’s)
Hey,
I sang! I love the old gospel songs of my childhood, and I have found if I sing them out loud – it is impossible to be depressed. It puts me in a good mood and I can handle anything.
K
I can relate very well with Fred’s comments, although I am still “in the middle” of trying to move forward from a 20 year marraige that ended in divorce last fall. With a picture firmly planted in my mind that we were forever, divorce to me was outside the realm of possibility. With two young daughters that don’t deserve this loss and a future now void of the hopes ands dreams I thought were our legacy, I am still mired in sadness.
I’ve read and searched and I know I need to “move on” and accept what can’t be changed. Accepting for me though, ends up feeling like being OK with what’s happened and I’m not OK with it. Movng on feels like abandoning my dreams and I don’t want to abandon any of it. I’m jstuck trying to hold onto something that’s not even there to hold onto. I’m conscience of how ridiculous that is, but to no apparent good.
I know things will eventually get better. There is light in my tunnel and I’m thankful for what I still have. Just last Saturday, as I sat and read a book, I sneezed. From the other room where my youngest daughter sat watching TV, came a sugar sweet – - “Bless yooou” ! As I took in the richness of that moment, I started to cry tears of gratitude realizing how lucky I really am still.
Nevertheless I guess I fall into the category of ‘not’ dealing with my stess very well. I look forward to others experience in dealing with loss. Thanks.
Hi, Rob, and all:
Like sharon, I, too, tended to feel stress when events didn’t meet my expectations. I have found that it is possible to go into a situation or event with no expectations for the event. Doing this also seems to give me more options for actions and reactions to whatever occurs. Most often, these events turn out either positively or at least, neutral in effect on me.
One of my stresses is due to the fact that my mother is aging. I don’t even live on the same continent as she does, however I do what I can. I try to call her every week or 10 days. It doesn’t remove the stress…because I’d like to be there and take care of her.
I really enjoyed hearing Brian say how he valued his daughter saying “bless you” after a sneeze! I think when I become stressed I have a tendency to forget the good and just become focused on the bad. Which leads into my marriage. Sometimes I can really hold a grudge against my husband. He will have apologized and I know he feels bad, but for some reason I am still angry. I HATE when I do that! I would hate for someone to do that to me! You briefly talked about forgiveness earlier…I need to learn that. I think forgiveness can also relieve us of ALOT of unwanted stress.