How Do I Stop My Partner Making Me Miserable?

Something different today.  I received the email message below, a couple of days ago and I haven’t got around to answering it.  Partly because I’m working on other things, but also because there are a few ways to approach it and none strikes me particularly strongly over another, so I don’t feel I can give my best response to this yet.

Plus here’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a while.  So I’ve got permission from the person asking the question to publicly share the email and I’d like YOU to answer it.  You see, often I feel like I’m spouting out all this stuff and spending very little time listening.  So I’d like to listen to your thoughts and ideas.

Hopefully we’ll have some differing views and when I have something that I feel is worth sharing in relation to this question or related answers, I’ll add my thoughts.  So here’s the question for you;

How does one help his partner to lighten up on life and not take things so seriously and to laugh and joke and enjoy life with its ups and downs.

She relies on the angels to solve all her problems, all very well, but one needs to also solve one’s own problems in life.

I’m certainly not perfect but its making my life unhappy.

Thanking you.

Just add your thoughts in the comments below.

Comments

  1. 1

    zlyang says

    Gratitude your parents;gratitude your country;gratitude your friends;gratitude your colleagues;gratitude these strangers——
    Because they give your life or made your livelihood more better?
    Speaking your words loudly everyday,you maybe be lighten up on life !

  2. 2

    john Grant says

    There is bad news for your friend Rob. You simply cannot make your partner happy. You see her happiness is her responsibility. Oh! I can see you all nodding your heads now and maybe even a few of you rushing to that little phrase “Yeees I know that, heard it before.” But! Do you really appreciate this simple but powerful fact of life?

    It is not until a person becomes fully aware of the greatest power we humans have that they can negotiate life’s emotional pitfalls.
    That power is the power to CHOOSE our emotions. This power persists regardless of the external circumstances a person encounters. Even in the midst of the most traumatic experience a person retains the ability to CHOOSE their emotions. It is those who are practised at this who live the happiest lives. Choosing your emotions is a learnt skill. We can develop this ability and it is merely an act of will. Over time one can develop this ability just as they would any other skill.
    Alas! Anything that requires the smallest amount of discipline unfortunately is the domain of the disciplined few.
    There is a reliable formula people can learn to expedite the entrenchment of this new skill.

    If you like I am happy to share this with you and your subscribers.
    Kindest regards

    John Grant
    Life in Balance Seminars Pty Ltd

  3. 4

    Cherry says

    I think it’s great that he has inquired about it, but he needs to talk out his feeling with his spouse. He must be open and honest with her about what he is feeling. Sometimes I tell individuals to secretly record their partners expressions then let them see how they look when dealing with certain situations. Communication is the key. It’s wonderful to communicate with higher beings but it’s her husband who is right here right now and he’s the one she needs to communicate with before things go to yet another level and he needs to express his concerns.

  4. 5

    Tony Amendola says

    Hi All

    As spoken above we all have to learn that we have the choice.

    It can appear that we are at the mercy of the world until we decide that we have the choice of whether to allow it to affect us or not.
    We can choose to smile or to bring a sense of humour…………..which often can encourage the other to smile or share the joke.
    To me the world is lessons on learning that we do have a choice in every moment.
    So what can we do for another………..Be the LIGHT…………..By being it your self…………Either way you cant lose……………

    The other has the same spark as we all do within them……………look to that and not to the errors ;)

    Demonstrate we always have the choice by making the choice for yourself and look only to the good in the other……………for what you look upon in the other you will see in your self.

    If you are miserable that is your own choice…..be willing to change your mind.

    And if you cant sometimes…………..dont feel guilty………….Guilt blocks learning……….forgive them and forgive yourself……………..forgive being to “let go” …………..or seeing that the past has gone……….Each moment is a new start………..If you so choose :)

    I agree that you cannot change another but imho what you see in another are your own oppertunities to learn from and not the others problem in fact……
    They are oppertunities to see another way…………..For if not you are again a slave to what apppears to happen “out there” and as the response started the lesson is to learn that we always have the choice………..
    Thus attempting to make another different to suit our needs is to overlook our own lesson…………..That we have the choice.

    Love and forgivness are the tools.

    Teach only Love , for that is what you are.

    In love

    Tony

  5. 6

    Deana says

    Hey Rob, sounds like you’re a fun-luvvin’ guy who doesn’t let a little annoyance become an obstacle. Those of us who’ve learned to ‘let it slide like water off a duck’s back’ sometimes get frustrated when others get so uptight.
    I get the impression there may be other things going on. For example, you said,”I’m certainly not perfect” and “How Do I Stop My Partner Making Me Miserable?”.
    Each person has a way of seeing and dealing with things in life based on personality, character, upbringing, beliefs, knowledge, experience.
    Let’s focus on your unhappiness at the moment. I’ve heard it said that no one can ‘make’ another person do or feel things that they’ve already allowed. Perhaps her actions or behaviour trigger a deep seated issue that you aren’t ready to deal with. And, of course, if she won’t let up on the pressure, it could make things worse. You own your happiness; no one can steal it from you.
    Is there any truth to her need for a little more ‘seriousness’ concerning this one issue?
    Is there a point in the conversation where you take your happy thoughts and say,”I’m not losing my joy in this moment. Please give me time to think about this.”?
    Then, with happiness in hand, leave the room quietly (no retaliation), and read, watch a comedy, walk, do something you enjoy until the peace comes back. I believe at this point, you’ll feel more in control, less frustrated, happier, even though the situation isn’t resolved. But, when you own your happy heart again, you might be able to see her angle and know it’s not personal.

  6. 9

    Siva says

    Happiness is contagious and your partners mental state has an effects on yours and vice-versa.
    So the first thing you should do is to remain in a happy and light mood to infect your partner with that precious state.

    Having said that, I know how some people just make life too complicated and problematic and remain anxious, agitated, rushed and unhappy.
    I would even bet that the odds are that your partner may find your “take things lightly” attitude as being irresponsible and may not trust you. You will have to be slogging, worried about the family etc in order to be seen as a good partner.

    Rational arguments with such people only has limited effect. If you point out to them that they are feeling miserable, that only worsens their mental state and will start blaming you.

    When they are in their saner moments gently point out to them that “being happy” is indeed very valuable. Better still is for them to hear this from sources that they trust (their parents, siblings, their close friends ..)

    When they are in a miserable mood, simply ignore and let it pass. Attempting to do repair in that state will only make matters worse. If you say something like “see how miserable you are, you will only get a reply “you are responsible for that” or “that’s not your problem”..

    Make it easy to be happy:
    1. Play some soothing music
    2. sleep well, eat well, have sex
    3. keep your and her mind engaged in interesting activities.. a idle or wandering mind is an unhappy mind
    4. exercise, meditate together
    5. have some solitude to recharge your batteries..

  7. 10

    Daniela says

    If you want to improve your relationships, if you want to build happier and longer lasting social connections, you have to learn how to better communicate. If let’s say for example you are in a relationship and your partner acts in ways that you no longer can accept, ways that are hurting your feelings, you have to know how to respond to his actions, his behaviors and words. You have to learn to stop reacting and start responding. Always talk about the behavior and not the person. Tell him that you love and appreciate him but you simply can’t accept his behavior, you can’t tolerate it anymore. If you call somebody stupid when he or she does something wrong, that person becomes all defensive and no longer can hear what you are trying to communicate. The person becomes all emotional and can only think of ways to defend himself or herself. If you choose to call a person stupid, incompetent or whatever not only you are hurting that person’s feelings but you are not helping them at all, you are not improving your relationship with that person.
    You can check the rest of it here if you like, I just copy paste a small part of it…
    http://www.purposefairy.com/challenge-the-behaviour-not-the-person/

  8. 11

    Laney says

    Rob…

    This is probably not going to help matters much… but this is the reason (currently) why I’ve chosen to stay single, despite the many guys who seem interested. I am selfishly dedicating my time in the pursuit of my own happiness and I’ve learned that it cannot come from any one else. And similarily, I’m not prepared to allow some one in at the moment who could potentially resent that. Admittedly, I would ultimately be the one who allow my happiness or pursuit thereof to be surrendered.

    But on to the issue at hand…..
    If that person’s partner is having serious issues with them seeking their own happiness, I would question if that is the right relationship for them. If the partner resents the progress forward perhaps they thenselves are afraid that they will lose the person they fell in love with in the process, and perhaps they are also afraid to move out of their own comfort zone, despite being unhappy themselves, its an all too common story, that though they are unhappy, at least its familiar and safe……

    In a situation like this there is no real answer…. but if this person was truely committed to this relationship, loved their partner perhaps it would be worth having a “full and frank” no-holds-barred heart-to-heart (can’t come up with anymore cliches!!) with the partner and establish a common ground from which to work from, establishing where you aim to go, and find out what their aims, goals and fears are and work together……

    Then again, if they truely loved their partner, why not accept that possibly their unhappiness is where they want to be, and just move on with your own happiness….. by being brave enough to follow through on your own might be the incentive they need to follow suit……..

  9. 12

    Laura says

    Leave !! Go and find your happiness or your partner will suck you right under with her!

  10. 13

    Dino says

    The problem isn’t the problem. How you deal with the problem is the problem. Live in the moment. By living in the moment, technically, you can’t have any problems. This most likely isn’t the right relationship for you. If you go inside and feel it, you’ll know in a split second deep down if it is or isn’t. If you have to question it, then it’s time to move on…. When it comes to living life, just keep it simple. Is she helping you become a better person today than you were yesterday and vice versa? I choose to surround myself with those I admire that help me grow. When you look at a plant, either it’s growing or dying. How would you view yourself and your relationship? Is it growing or dying? My “answer” is full of questions, but hopefully it will help you focus on what to do because deep down inside, you really know the answer.

  11. 14

    Kyri says

    Im afraid I have to agree with John Grant. Some people suffer from chronic dissatisfaction and it seems that nothing in their lives is good enough. This may stem from some unhappiness they are suffering without even knowing the cause thereof or that it even exists.I have lived with such a person for 26 years and am finally calling it a day. Such a person can drain you emotionally and you live life on tenterhooks worrying that something you say or do will upset them.

    • 15

      Rachelle says

      I agree. Walking on eggshells on a daily basis, is emotionally draining. It builds resentment. I would love to be free of that burden.

  12. 16

    Pat says

    The more comments I read the more confusing the question becomes as more and more things get brought into the equation.

    Could part of this come down to? Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus

    There’s also the saying that a leopard can’t change his spots. It always amazes me that many people go into relationships and their sole purpose in life becomes changing their partner’s personality. This simply isn’t possible in the long term.

    It doesn’t matter who you share your life with there will always be things that drive you crazy. In my humble opinion the key to enjoying life in a relationship is accepting the other person as they are and rejoice in their uniqueness. Grit your teeth when their annoying habits drive you crazy. Live and let live. Being able to continue enjoying your individual passions as well as passions shared creates a fantastic relationship that can last a lifetime. And of course the same is true in reverse as we’re going to do things that drive them nuts too :-)

  13. 17

    Esther says

    It’s quite amazing the answer you may share if you don’t find yourself in that situation.You were this happy person and suddenly the opposite when you entered into the relationship. Now, you are in constant fear you might find out something again the person keeps hiding…or your partner keeps doing things that dont meet your happiness needs.
    Your partner doesnt want to listen anymore and communication is on and off,doesnt flow like how it does when ur partner is with his/her friends.
    You’ll definitely feel miseraable.

  14. 18

    Camilla says

    I think that the questioner here needs to realise that just as he can’t be responsible for his partner’s happiness, nor should she be responsible for his. He says that ‘it’s making me unhappy’ – that’s a choice he’s choosing to make. Sounds totally harsh and let’s face it, if it were any of us on the receiving end of that kind of advice we’d think, ‘great, thanks for the help’ – but it’s easier when you’re emotionally removed from a problem to be objective. Sometimes, blisteringly honestly so. I think our friend from the email needs to stop worrying about whatever his partner is doing and focus on himself and his own happiness. Water finds its own level, like attracts like and other pointless platitudes. The point is- when your own life is ‘working’, ‘flowing’ or whatever you want to call it, circumstances change around you of their own accord – and as Rob has so sagely written since, people don’t change through criticism. Take off the glasses of expectation, because they only ever prevent you from seeing what’s really there wiht your partner. She shouldn’t have to be a certain way for you to be happy. You can be happy all on your own – with or without her compliant behaviour. I think this is a great opportunity for you to learn something new about yourself and her – and might be a blessing (or lesson – depending on your view) in disguise. Good luck! :)

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