Last week’s post argued that love was the path to happiness. I wrote the post, sent out the link… and then kicked myself. I’d left out a key part. The obvious next question is, how do you love?
And the answer is that the path to love is paved with joy. For love is the path to happiness. Equally happiness is also the path to love.
When people, as they often do, look at love or happiness as being something that needs certain ingredients before it can happen, it can sound confusing. Really though, neither causes the other, they are symbiotic. I want to talk further and look in more detail at what causes these emotions so that you can have more control over creating them by choice.
I have often drawn diagrams, such as the one below, with happiness on one end and misery on the other. That’s a slightly misleading representation though. Let me explain why…
The Characteristics of Misery and Happiness
I think we need to start by describing various traits and attitudes that are associated with being happy or sad so that we can make the distinction.
Personality traits associated with being happy or sad
Stress causes us to tense up. Our focus is narrowed and we are more nervous and wary. We have little time for others and are much quicker to judge. By contrast, when we are happy we tend to be relaxed, confident and open. We have more time for others and are easier with them and give them more of a chance.
There’s a reason for this. We get anxious or depressed when we focus on a specific situation or view of a situation, excluding other options and perspectives. It’s much like in a theatre when the spotlight narrows down to one individual, blacking out everything else. What happens then is that we have mentally imprisoned ourselves and so we react much as a cornered rat would. We panic and blindly lash out.
Happiness = Access To Resources = Freedom
Our more relaxed and cheerful moments though, are characterised by feeling as though we have enough cognitive time and space to deal with everything. We see the bigger picture. Sure we can see the problems and the pitfalls. They are in every situation, but we have a broad enough perspective to see the solutions and the time when, all we fear has come to pass.
So you see, the more accurate perspective of the range of emotions from happy to sad is like a funnel. The happier and more relaxed we are, the broader our perspective. The more stressed we feel, the more constricted the focus of our attention becomes. Eventually this reaches the point where someone’s perspective becomes so limited that they can see no choice and no hope and consequently despair.
The Emotional Funnel
Equally the times when we feel free and able to zip our attention wherever we wish to, are the times when we feel lightest and most relaxed. Happiness is really a description of our ideal emotional state. And that state would be characterised by being free. Free to think, feel and do whatever we choose to be.
The more we can see, the bigger the range of choices that we see and as a result, the better we are able to choose our focus and so the happier we feel. When we are happy everything that we see, our relationships, our career, our circumstances seem to be brighter.
The Vicious Circle Of Stress
It is worry and attachment that keeps our attention bound to the minor, life sapping details of our existence. Therefore it is worry and fear that traps our attention from seeing the potential solutions, all around us and limits our capacity to effectively deal with situations.
We focus on some worry or situation and with our narrowed attention, therefore overlook possible solutions. This then causes us to worry more and further narrow our attention. As a result we get more trapped in the rut and panic even more.
The Vicious Circle of Stress
The ability to handle stress effectively is the ability to set your consciousness free, to soar out of the situation that worries you and find a solution. This skill is comparable to a talented Photographer who knows when to zoom in and when to pan out.
Happiness is really the freedom to shift your attention to dip into the details and be present when the situation is pleasant. And equally when there is a problem, to be able to zoom out to see the big picture and find the comfort to bring you back into emotional balance.
What’s Love Got To Do With Stress?
By the nature of what happens to us under stress, the more stressed we become, the less we can care about anyone else. Under enough stress we lose the ability to love. People close off, become more and more fearful, until they become paranoid and eventually trust no-one.
The breakdown of a relationship works in much the same way as the vicious cycle of stress. People in a relationship that has broken down bitterly, forget all the sides of the person that they fell in love with and instead obsess on small details of the person that they don’t like.
People who are infatuated, see only the positive sides of their obsession. They focus on only the physical beauty, the social status, power and so on.
When we are able to zoom above the everyday details of our life, we are able to see the good, the bad and the ugly of the person. And only when we have that balance, to see them as they are, can we truly love them.
Love, freedom and joy. The outcome of not getting too attached to the details of life.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Rob
We attain the awareness of Love in many ways
The act of giving teaches us not to become attached to things
Goodwill in other ways teaches us that the simplest gifts to others can be the most profound and interestingly that when you give in this way……..you do not lose what you gave hehe
Probably the most important tool however is being willing to forgive.
Not a forgiveness is the worlds sense however. Forgiveness that looks only to the best in another and forgets the past.
If you still remember what the other has done………It is not forgiven.
When you look upon a forgiven world……how can Love not be there ?
I think as well Tony that happiness can only come when you forget your sense of self and dissolve your identity into the larger consciousness.
This post has made me believe that “happiness” is a bit of a myth. No I’m not being pessimistic, I am just starting to believe that happiness is momentary not constant. There is a spectrum of human emotions that everyone goes through at different stages in their life perhaps even different stages of their everyday. Well, there is for me anyway. I suppose the trick is to try and experience as much of the happy juice as possible. Keep a happy well that you can constantly drink from in case you start wasting your time and health on stressful emotions. In short; keep looking at the bigger picture.
Hi Osh, good to hear from you again.
Yes, exactly. Happiness is really irrelevant as a concept. Sounds strange for me to say, since I write about it so often. But what I mean is that when you follow your passions deeply enough, you stop caring and find that you are happy anyway. Happiness is the best word I can use to share that end vision. But the state looks different when you are closer to it, then when you are far from it.
All emotions are equally valid and necessary. The trick is in getting good at passing through the unpleasant ones quicker, so that you spend more time savouring the joyful times.
While I like your idea of looking at the bigger picture, I also think zooming into this moment to find something to be happy and grateful about is key to happiness.
Rather than feeling sad about what happened yesterday, or stressing about how you’ll pay the bills next week, zooming in on this moment is empowering you to feel happy. This moment is all we ever have. Life is a series of moments. We all have the power to make those moments happy.
Live Life Happy!
Hi Jacqueline, I completely agree that we should revel in the moment.
My point is that I believe that we should have the flexibility to zoom out to the big picture, when we are stressed. It is the ability to control your attention that determines your emotional health.
Thanks for such a wonderful insight into the reality of happiness.
Though I haven’t been to Pittsburgh, I feel as if i am standing on a cliff and looking at downtown.
So long as you are on cliff, you enjoy the panoramic view, but if you start zooming to a particular area, there are chance that you might find a sight which you won’t enjoy and so become sad.
thanks for such a nice post.
best wishes and kind regards.
ashutosh
Love your happy traits; loose, relaxed, calm, confident, open, patient, talerant and loving. That says it all. And if people can relax and react in any given situtation with these ways they are going to be happy. Rob i would say you pretty much nailed it. Thank you
Debbie
Excellent article. I read all the other articles related to this topic.Thank you for giving a deep insight into love, life and happiness. Although some of the concepts are a bit difficult to accept easily, but yet i felt a great sense of relief after reading them. I believe that “Patience” is one of the most important qualities a person should have. But is sad that it is lacking in most of the people in the modern time.
Hope to read more on this site. Thank you once again.
Regards,
Tini
There are different levels of ‘happiness’ for individuals but at the end of the day life’s problems and concerns affect people in different ways.
At present I’m coming to terms with my Mother lying quite ill in hospital from a virus that is affecting her underlying health problems. It is proving extremely hard to see her gradually losing her will to carry on. She may rally round, she may not. She’s been in and out of hospital all her life, never done any harm to anyone. So right now I don’t feel like going around with a large grin on my face.
I love my family and am so glad I have close friends who are there in person to support me. Not the ones who only communicate by today’s modern tin pot social media or texts which I find shallow and impersonal. Friends see each other and are there in the here and now. These are the same friends who were there for me when I had a serious accident and gave me great support and friendship. I’ve been there for them – in person or the end of a phone.
And as for the current thinking of how God ‘loves us’ and how we should forgive our enemies – utter c***!!! I’ll ‘love’ and ‘forgive’ the people who broke in and stole equipment from a friend’s daughter who also had a bad accident 3 years ago and almost died. The accident has resulted in her slowly going blind in one eye. I have no time for thieves or criminals. Her family don’t have much money and work hard but they’re always ready to help someone else. I find being around real genuine people inspirational and believe in helping others without expecting anything in return – the act of giving is selfless and isn’t practised enough.
Yes there are different ways to happiness but we are human, not touched by the hand of god and life’s ups and downs will affect people in different ways. I will find my own path along the way and wish others find theirs.