I hate routine.
I seriously hate routine. My whole being screams at any inkling of restriction. And being organised or routinely following rituals, by their nature, means excluding choices and options.
One of the reasons that I am able to process stress quickly and to learn this kind of information, is because I am open to almost any idea. It literally hurts me to shut off possibilities.
The downside of this is that it’s almost impossible to ever make a decision. I am probably the most indecisive person you could ever meet. Waiters hate me because to choose just one dinner, takes me forever. And my expanding waistline can’t take two 
So all my life I have loved to be free to wake up and decide what to do. But this is the most inefficient use of time and energy possible. And so every now and then I’ll design or learn a new system of working. I love the planning about it, but I hate the sense of restriction I feel in implementing it. And so they never lasted very long.
As I have matured, and have more that I am enthusiastic about getting done, I’ve had to look at this issue in a different light. Getting Things Done by David Allen, was insightful to me, because I read it just after coming to a conclusion on dealing with emotional issues, that exactly mirrored his philosophy on dealing with physical stuff.
So now I recognise that much of my mental energy was being wasted in working out what to do, what to eat and so on. Allowing that level of my life to flow on auto-pilot has the effect of freeing my thoughts to focus more powerfully on what I really want to work on. So if I’m happy to bumble away, not getting very much done, I can be free to start every day from scratch.
Either way there is a limitation. I either limit my ability to be effective, or I limit the choices I have to make about mundane issues to conserve energy for the more important issues.
Like everything to do with stress, it essentially boils down to a matter of prioritisation. What matters most?
In much the same way, I have always hated the idea of rituals. When I think of rituals I think of the Sunday masses I had to attend as a child. I could never understand what the point was of reciting the same words, every week. How could that ever lead to any kind of growth or deeper connection to God?
photo credit: Princess K8
However it was in reading David Deida’s excellent book, The Way Of The Superior Man, that I first considered that a ritual may have value. Since I had no personal experiences or observations, I wasn’t convinced. So as I do with ideas that I don’t yet believe, I held it in the back of my mind to evaluate against the situations and experiences I observe and encounter.
Recently after considering all the views you gave on what is the end goal and reading Joseph Campbell talking about the same ideas, I’m considering the idea in more detail.
Let me give you some context. The phrase from Deida, I remember is;
The boy must die
Essentially the argument is, that more primitive civilisations have always had a ritual where boys were separated from the women of the tribe and often through some terrifying physical ordeal they undertook, they became initiated as a man. The ritual was a metaphor that demonstrated that fear could be mastered and gave a sign so that everyone understood the boy had crossed the line to Manhood.
photo credit: Wonderlane
Today we are missing that clarity and stepping stone into becoming a Man. (I’m assuming that there also must be a female equivalent process, but this doesn’t seem to be talked about.)
Evolution has resulted in the victory of those who reacted most violently and aggressively to danger. We are the children bred with the quickest nervous system. If we were dogs, we’d be the breed that was muzzled.
As we look at our society today, it’s clear that teenage and young Men have an innate need for adventure, for danger and for violence. Gangs, knife crime and so on are the result of putting creatures with a hypersensitive nervous system and strong drive for status and to validate themselves into a world sterlised from danger and excitement.
There is little difference between young gangs today and the Knights of the Templar, except the Knights were in a context that guided them to use their aggression in a way that was considered chivalrous.
Extroverts in particular (Psychopaths are the extreme version of this), need danger to feel alive. Yet schools try to remove any level of competition and outlet for aggression. And so where are young males full of physical energy and aggression going to prove themselves and ease their fears of insecurity and inadequacy, but in rebellion, danger and violence.
Our society has changed so dramatically and so quickly that it no longer has rituals that we can make sense of our life stages. We have Bar Mitzvah’s, Communion, Marriage and so on, but they don’t have the real meaning that other tribe’s rituals have.
I think also, there is the disagreement over when someone is an adult and a child. It seems that most Parent/Child arguments boil down to; is the Child mature enough to make their own decisions or are they still dependent on the Parent’s guidance.
So as I’m considering rituals in this light, I have a question for you. And this applies equally to men and women.
When did you know that you were grown up?
What happened to make the shift from child to adult?
Also, when did other people consider you to be an adult?
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I became a mother when I was only 16. Becoming a parent can have a very abrupt effect on one's maturation. There are parents who I have met who did not become "adults" when they became parents, i.e. did not financially support their children, or put the child's needs before their own, but I did. At 16 I was working full time, paying all my bills on my own and living on my own. That's the best answer I have to these questions.
At the age of 30, being small and slender, i could still be thought to be under-age if i wore a baseball cap. Until they could see my face. I blame it on my size that i wasn't treated as adult when regarding to my age i already was one (5 ft 2in). I don't know exact point of transition mentally, it must have been one of those realisations, loss of innocence, "the world is bad" (although nothing to do with myself). I must have been over 20 by then, although wasn't innocent or childish any more. I'm not a parent so that's not applicable to me.
I too hate routines, but actually have made some of my own, especially for mornings. I think partly they might help to create "the right time and space" for at least artistic work.
Thanks for sharing, Connie.
Many people I have spoken to have cited having a child as being the thing that made them grow up. Although most were much older than you.
As you say many others in the same situation would not grow up. So perhaps it is the decision to take responsibility that led to the step into adulthood?
Interesting to note that people treat you as they see you, rather than as you are.
Yes, I think routines are essential for a high level creativity or thinking.
Well that clash between my outer (disguise?) and inner self has perhaps contributed to that it's fairly hard for me to start commuticating with people.
I feel often hesitant to comform, to fashion, to groups, easily up being on my own, but still being alone is not an answer.